Posts by Witch-evanna

    im sorry but when i wrote this i did not want judgement on how i run my life with my child, there are plenty poly relationships that work with children if done right, just because some of you don't understand it doesnt mean it cant happen. i would never not put my child first as i have said in a previous post my plan would be to start the relationship slowly and only introduce into the family after a long period of time when i am sure it is going somewhere. when i put this threa up i needed help and support on how to move forward from this situation, we have decided to close the relationship at least until such a time as we are comfortable with things again, whatever that may mean.

    in this case bpd is borderline personality disorder.... and my life is pretty simple im married to a guy and in my mind all im looking for is one special girl too, i dont want lots of partners, ust one girl i can take it slow with then way way down the line bring into the family when i know her WELL............ as for saying heres a blanket etc, didnt have access to any, all in sons room behind a cupboard and i wouldnt wih my sofas upon anyone! believe me if id had chance to plan it my way properly like i say shed have been in my sons room and son in with us from the off, i keep going over it thinkng if only id done/said that bt i cant keep doing that, ill go mad!!

    that was my main problem as to why i didnt want emma in my bed, although not a stranger to koby i still didnt want him being confused by seeing her in his parents bed but lewis somehow didnt see this! thats how early on the manipulation started.... we have just recently moved koby into his own room and were co sleeping so hes used to sharing with us, so my idea was to settle koby in our bed to start with, or even move him when he woke (as he usually does just before we go to bed) but no. Lewiss idea won somehow and koby got settled in his bed and resettled in his bed, luckily when we did move him (me) i managed not to wake him bless him and he just snuggled right in with me.

    I have spent the weekend away from lewis and although it is still early days lewis knows he is on his last chance and we are taking it very slowly.... I still dont know what will come next, how this will play out fully or how to calm my head down as this has caused my bpd to have one major episode which i am seriously unhappy about as it has taken me years to curb all these feelings and now they are bubbling over like a big overheated kettle and i cant seem to stop them, im paranoid, angry, scared, lost, trapped, somewhat out of control, anxious and i dont know where to turn to make it better.

    he's trying to set me up with a girl coz we have a relationship where that is ok as we are both bi so I'm allowed to be with girls and he's allowed to be with guys but not the other way round. however at this present moment in time I'm not particularly bothered tbh and like i said wasn't really attracted to Emma either.

    So its been a week since it happened and my head is all over the place. Lewis has been trying to set me up with a female friend of ours for a little while now despite me saying I didn't think I was particularly interested, he tells me she was. anyhoo last Saturday she came over for the evening for drinks, games and films and to spend the night. this was a big thing for her as she has anxiety issues about staying away from home so I said id look after her as I understood where she was coming from. so we are all having fun cuddled up watching a film, chatting and what not. Bed time comes, she leaves the room and lewis says to me "she wants to share your bed and have Fi cuddles coz she's not feeling very well." I shake my head, i dont want to lead her on, so we get upstairs and I ask lewis to get Koby so Emma can have Kobys bed and Koby can come in with us, Lewis just looks at me, Emma's stood there making me feel so uncomfortable, i can't say no. So we end up in bed all 3 of us in pjs mind u! I'm just settling when lewis starts touching me I move his hand and say no, he keeps trying, doesn't give up until I cuddle into Emma so he can't get his arm round me. I wait until I think he's asleep then role on my back, the second I do his hand is between my legs. again I say no and move him, but he doesn't give up, next thing I know he's reaching for Emmas hand and I'm closing my legs trying to stop 2 hands from going down there but he forces them. Emma stops, lewis gets her hand again, every time I try to say no and move but he forces it until I give up. then Emma moves away, I knew she wasn't happy! neither was i!!!
    it stops at last no one says a thing until Emma goes downstairs, I turn to lewis " what the hell was that!!!" aparentley Emma wanted it... What about what i wanted??? he thought it would make me happy!!!! he then goes down to make sure Emma is o.k, she finally asks to go into Kobys bed, so we move Koby and finally get some sleep, me left not knowing what to think or feel about either of them. Next day I find that they were talking about me behind my back on facebook all sat evening while I was in the room, Emma saying she wanted me and stuff.... so lewis had spent the eve manipulating me into position and not asking for consent for any of it!!!
    This week has been pure hell I've not wanted lewis anywhere near me, Emma didn't want to talk to either of us aperantley, however after a day or so started talking to lewis again, still refuses to talk to me and telling different people different reasons as to why. she tells lewis its coz she blames me for not stopping it I FUCKING TRIED!!!! and that she wouldn't be to bothered if she lost my friendship coz she knows lewis better. then tells another friend its coz she wants to give me space and she feels akward and stuff but that she doesn't blame me and wants to save our friendship. so i don't know what to believe let alone what to think or feel aside from hurt, betrayed, scared,upset, angry. I've told lewis I cant handle him talking to Emma if Emma wont talk to me coz it just feels like them going behind my back again, it already felt like he was supporting her more than me and I had nowhere to turn.
    i don't know where to go from here, how to move forward I cant touch myself let alone even contemplate letting lewis anywhere near me. I've told him we've gone right back to square one coz I don't trust him but aside from that i don't know what's next. as for Emma I've been told to leave her for another week and if i don't hear from her to get in touch but how? how do I get in touch with someone who I don't even know if she wants to be friends with me for me or if its for lewis? (oh yeah also forgot to mention that when she was saying she wanted me she was joking, according to a friend its what she does when she likes someone so..........?) I'm just so confused and lost and alone I don't even know what I want any more.:wall::cry::cry::wall:

    Sorry to hear this hun, at least you got him where he needs to be. As for you, you don't need to be alone, you don't need to be the strong one all the time hubby will understand and be there for you as much as you are for everyone else. Have you still got my number hun? Big hugs and thinking of you all!

    maybe try taking up a new hobby, maybe something arty, take a look in the hobbies section in the library and see if anything takes your fancy.... im dong alot of this at the moment, im learning to draw, knit, crochet and have gone back to one of my old favourites of writing stories.

    I have had a lovely day today spent with my little sister and her hubby. we took Koby to the park even tho it was a little cold then went and got some lunch, then did some window shopping where i pretty much have seen everything i want to get for our new house...... been trying to take my mind off the bungalow we will hopefully get if we passs the affordability test and if the landlord chooses us.

    erm where do i start.....
    alot of Kate rusbys stuff does
    nightwish forever yours (among others)
    levellers alone in the darkness
    biffy clyro god and satan
    the offspring dirty magic
    Icould probably think of many more but got to go and pick little man up from nursery.

    Yeah palm rolling works, it makes you feel like you're doing something to help but don't over do it. Washing them with the right stuff helps too, I use the lush shampoo bars. Also back in the early days I had mine wrapped but I wouldn't really recommend that as it takes forever to do and take out.... Time and patience really is the only answer.

    Manic mood swings, panic attacks, voices and other personalities in my head, self harm, paranoia, ocd tendencies, i count and find patterns in things obsessively, even when doing other things it takes over. The only way i can go out on my own is if i have music or i end up having a panic attack the second anyone is behind me. I panic in big crowds...... The list goes on.

    I was diagnosed with bpd in 2007 and they started putting me on all sorts of meds, they turned me into a zombie i couldn't stand it somehow having my manic mood swings and being able to feel even if it was negative was better than what the drugs were doing. It seems like the mental health services have done with you just what they did with me. That is give you a diagnosis, fill you full of meds and send you on your way. You need more help to come to terms with your diagnosis and learn how to deal with some of the symptoms without all those horrid meds. Ive had years worth of various therapy and i wont lie i still have bpd but i cope so much better with it now, ive learnt to feel better about myself (most of the time) and ive got systems in place to deal with other symptoms, i used to feel so alone but there is help out there that isn't just more meds. Sorry ive gone on for ages just felt i had to say something, feel free to pm me if you want to know more or are having a bad day or whatever and stay strong.

    I tend to have at least 3 per session.... Not always 1straight after the other but i enjoy the feeling of the build up sometimes just as much as the orgasm itself. Recently ive started losing count depending on what we are actually doing ie oral etc, altho i have found i have a very sensitive clit and he can often hurt me while trying to pleasure me with his hands so this can seriously limit how many times u orgasm.

    Yeah had one a few years ago and like the others was mildly sedated, doesn't take long to come round after, i was coming round before they were finished tbh. There is no way i would have had it done without!