Posts by Enigma_rising

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UKHippy is a long running online community and of likeminded people exploring all interpretations on what it means to be living an alternative lifestyle -- we welcome discussions on everything related to sustainability, the environment, alternative spirituality, music, festivals, politics and more -- membership of this website is free but supported by the community.

    not looking to sell tickets but i know there are still places on the tea and empathy team if anyone would like a free ticket and 2 meals a day in exchange for a short shift being lovely to folks and making tea, best job at the festival!

    hi guys, if you know anyone who would like to work at beautiful days, short shifts in the tea and empathy tent, give me a shout, im trying to find last minute replacements for the team s i can't go, (gutted) its a full ticket, with camping and 2 meals a day in the excellent crew food tent, great deal!

    Oh hunny, im so so so sorry to hear this. massive hugs to you lady, you know what i've been through, so when i say you are a bloody hero you know i know what i am talking about. wish i could help you guys. sending loads and loads of loveto you, and Lee, and the family.xxxx

    ps, thankyou for the beautiful coat, Steve gave it to me for mothers day and it makes me smile every time i put it on.xxxxx

    get into the system asap hun, up here the process is fairly straightforward, not prying at all, not having a proper bedroom will make you high priority, as will the little one on the way, and if you are honest about your mums illness, discuss it with a doc or midwife and get letters to confirm, send it all in asap and you have a good chance, im in the process at the moment but until we got an official letter from the agents giving notice (he is selling the place) we are still low band. goodluck hunny:)

    Hi guys, as some of you may remember a couple of years ago we got a UKHippy logo made up, and Alices Wonderland had stickers, T-shirts and bags printed up, we still have some left and this is your chance to get your hands on some now very limited edition goodies! Just send me a message letting me know what you would like. 10% of any profits will go to UK hippy. Postage will be 70p on stickers and £2.60 for bags and T-shirts, I will of course combine the postage for larger orders. Please PM me with which ones you would like, and i'll give you a postage cost.

    Oval Bumper Stickers- £3.50 Feed Your Head (9 left) Feed your Mind (8 left)

    Internal Window Decals (round)

    £3.50 Feed your Head (13 left) (awaiting photo)

    Feed your Mind (8 left)

    Blank (just logo, no text) (4 left)
    UK Hippy Cotton Bags. £8

    UK Hippy Ladies T-Shirts- £8 Sizes left= 2 small, 1 medium, 1 large, 2 XL, 1 XXL

    hmmm, i pray, very rearely, but its not 'shristian' prayer, its not to gog. last tiem i prayed was just after getting the news my friend had connited suicide. at that point there mas nothing i could do,i was utterly helpless and i knew it and the only thing i could do was offer up the hurt and helplessness, to the universe, to 'something' i dont know, i dont elieve there was anyone in particular listening, but to me it was all i could do. I spoke to a friend about it at the time and he said it was probably quite a wise thing to do, to recognise that i could do nothing, and just offer up what was to the uiniverse, that made sense, i think being faced with death is the only time i do anything i would call prayer as such.

    i do meditate, which has the same intent in some ways, to ask something to change, either your mind, the way you are, or to change your lack of acceptance and develope equinimity, so i relate the the comments about that, but its not quite the same thing. thats pro-active, prayer to me is the place my mind takes me in extremis.

    thankyou guys,for being here for me.

    Sarah, spot feckin on mate, all of it. typing did help last night, wrote a load of stuff down in a blog, and just getting it on paper helped me see what was happening. i believe i will have an element of this forever, but i got to look into every way possible to reduce its effects cos its just horrible. thankyou for youer very wise words.xxxxxx

    Permission to fall apart for a little while please, captain? The little dark and twisty bit of me has exploded puffer fish style and i really, really, need to just let it for a little while, and that be ok. i'll be strong and awesome and all that again soon, just not tonight, tonight i need to allow that hurt out and cry and be so so so angry.

    self protection perhaps, i dunno, but tonights relativley benign events have caused a horrible response in me, and i wonder if i have some kind of PTSD because even i know the huge emotions that were stirred up were not a logical or rational response, (anger, hurt, pain, vulnerability, fight or flight) its happened before, i have 'triggers' that just cause me to descend right back into the trauma of my ex husbands descent into madness, the subsequent years of psychological manipulation and trauma and his eventual suicide. it diesnt take much from certain people and i am right back in the thick of it, sometimes its controllable, other times not.

    It makes me feel like a messed up freak.( i dotn see myself that way apart from at these times, im pretty happy with most of me:)) i think its the echoes of that whole experience thats making me feel that way, its like i see confirmation that i'm making more of it than i should even when its not there, i just dont know if this is normal considering the psychological torment of the whole sequence of events. this wasnt a quick thing, it was dragged out over years and a big part of it was a lot of manipulation of me, trying to make me feel like i was wrong, or just too emotional, or weak or that i was the one who was mentally ill or just a shitty human being really. so when it happens and i go back there i doubt my own validity, and am ridiculously hurt if i dont feel validated by other people close to me whilst im going through it. thats realisation came tonight and makes a lot of sense, if im mentally back years ago,no wonder i find it really hard that other people dont understand how huge it feels, or are shocked by how strongly i react, cos when it was all happeneing it was such a confused mess, and history repeats....

    We survived and im so proud of myself and my family for coming through it all but there was damage, it hasn't all gone away just because we dont talk about it much. there was sooo much talking about it, so much, trying to reason it all out and debrief it and make it make sense, and it helped a lot, it did, but there is a limit that was reached, the last and hardest bits, the bits that could not make sense because they were coloured by insanity, caused by insanity, they dug in and made a dark and twisty place inside me that makes me feel sick. i dont want to have to deal with any more fallout from that mans effects, i want it gone, i want to be free of it, i dont want any bit of my head left in which he won but i have no idea what could help, councelling i just dont believe will work, i cant help it, so much talking already, it cant change what happened, these arnt thoughts that are grabbing my by the metaphorical balls, they are instinctual feelings and they scare the crap out of me. methinks this is beyond me to heal myself, and giving it time is just not doing the trick.

    any ideas? urgh help.

    ok steve posted whilst i was writing, but ill leave my reply up too!

    Oh hun, must have been bloody awful.:( im not sure that the farmer will be liable,(although imo he bloody should be, if his business has caused the road to be so clogged he should clear it up, but the law, as the they say, is an ass). when the farmer next doors cows escaped through a fence he had neglected to maintain, and ate all my plants, trashed the garden and shat over everything, i was told that it is in fact my landlords responsibility to keep them out, not the farmers to keep them in, go figure, makes sod all sense to me but may be the case here as well. i think its the highways agency who would have ultimate responsibility, unless it was a private stretch of road, but as i say, im not sure. massive hugs to you all hunny.xxxx

    hmmmm now this is an interesting question.

    I have recently had some very raw deep down honest looking times, i had been surpressing a massive dream of mine, because following it would have cause a lot of hurt, to me and those i loved,but as it turned out, it was breaking me, and i had to talk to those i loved about it, didnt do it very well, cocked up in that it just burst out of me, was a bit of a shock, nearly cost me a great didn't, it made for a very hard time,a, and a lot of soul searching for all concerned, but in fact being true to myself, letting go of the fear and asking for what i really needed turned out to be the best thing i could have done, for me and those around me, cos im not a ball of hurt and confusion anymore. Now i can make plans, frame the rest of my life in a way i wasn't able to do, so much motivation and energy had been wrapped up in trying to make myself not want it anymore, to be ok without trying to make it happen, that now, i feel like i can do anything! and its had a knock on effect into other dreams i have, ones that i had no energy for as soooo much effort was going into locking part of myself away.

    i've got other dreams too, working on my singing, singing with a band on and off now, and in choirs, helping teach at the buddhist centre, shedding my excess pounds, all these things i have been doing anyway, so these smaller dreams are all an active part of my life, there are some i cannot chase right now, but im happy to put them on the back burner until the time is right, as my focus is mostly taken up by the things im already glad to be doing. also, factoring in my parters dreams is very important to me too, finding a way to make all of it happen is going to be a right juggling act! but i cant wait to see it all unfold!

    As for the dreams of my younger days, well fibro and cancer have changed my life completly, i cannot be a midwife now, nor can i up sticks and travel the world with no more responsibilities than not loosing my stuff and staying alive, but i no longer cling to them, i still wish i could be a midwife, but i KNOW that i can do more of what i really want to as a doula, and im doing that! and as for travel, there are still places i would like to go, but i can wait until the oppertunities arise, or im in a position to focus on seeing tibet, india, bodgaya, the himalayas, etc. :)

    I have a gratitude wall opposite my loo, so everytime i pee, i see all the great things in my card up there says....

    "Live your dreams....except that one about being eaten by the giant spider."

    Best thing ever said to me on the subject was disarmingly simple, and changed my future considerably

    ....... "One life."

    massive hugs hunny, theres been lots of great advice on here already, but just wanted to add that having fibro, you will feel exhausted at this stage! if you cant get regualr sleep in, make sure you rest with your feet up for say, ten minutes every hour, supported by cushions so your body can just let go, put the little one down during this time if you can, even laid next to you on a bed or however you feel happy, you can rest a hand on his belly to reassure him you are still there, might also be worth trying baby massage. my boy was a bit like this, i ended up giving bottle feeds, which interupted my milk priduction and made things harder all round, is here any local support available for you? I'd say make sure you are getting enough iron, vitamin c and b vitamins to help with energy. heres a link to a breatfeeding support network... and the la leche leauge... maybe they can offer some good advice. again, massive hugs hunny.xxxxx

    yes, ihad one where i felt that my consiousness was gradually becomeing less dependant on my body, it expanded, and i got a sense of the whole universe, with all its different manifestations, as part of one huge vibrating whole, budding forth as plants and people and stars and planets. a sense of unity, diversity and magic all rolled ionto one. i've also had lots of interesting experiences relating to my breath, and seeing just how cluttered with rubbish my mind is, so many thoughts, all the time.

    To be honest, right now, i think you are doing the right thing, it is incredibly hard to explain to a child without them having a lot of hurt, and at this age she is far better off not knowing the truth. My sons father was absent from his life (for the most part) from when he was about 18 months, and honestly, things were far happier, more settled and harmonious when he wasnt around. in our case he was schizophrenic, and decided he would rather be mad, take lots of drugs and end up getting chucked out of his housing, than take the antipsychotics and be involved in his life properly, i guess being insane he had more of an excuse but the results were still the same, when the court forced me to let them have contact (even though i could tell he was still ill,) it was disasterous, just started to get to know him, then had another full blown episode and really upset my son over weeks, then beat up my sons grandad in front of him on a visit. im not suggesting that would happen in your case but the emotional effects of seeing all this chaos and pain and strange things had a huge negative impact on my otherwise happy little boy.

    In most cases im all for both parents being as involved as possible in thier childs life, but in some, it's just not worth the pain it causes them. At this age, i think its better that they have a few questions than be faced with the harsh reality. One loving parent is a brilliant thing for a child to have, but when you are battling the negative impact of one destructive one, it is so much harder. You are doing a good job, carry on fielding the questions as bestyou can and let her wonder a little, better that than kleave her wondering whats wrong with her, because she will, kids take a lot on themselves and shes not going to believe that its nothing to do with her personally, and if you explain his haorrible actions, she will wonder if a part of her is horrible too, since she came from him, and thats not worth it, you are not telling her the full story, and i can see why that would feel uncomfortable, but truly,at her age, honesty is not the best policy. dont tell outright lies of course, but ease round the questions, it really is the best way you can protect her right now. hugs to you both.xxxxx

    Me too, wish i could be marching but i just can't, too sick.

    Aw Jo, you and Celyn's journey was amazing, very much an inspiration. I feel really privaleged that i got to share some of it with you:)

    Try savoy cabbage leaves in the bra! honestly, they contain anti inflamatory compounds whichcan ease the pain, fresh leaves from the fridge every few hours. well done to you both for hanging in there.xx

    Better late than never! my piccies of the day...

    One, my happy little monk on my windscreen in traffic, reminding me not to get too irate at the driver who decided to do a stupid overtake on a 60mph road, forcing me to do an emergency stop from 50....eeek. later, in a queue, i took this:)

    Buddha on my Windscreen! by Enigma_rising, on Flickr

    Then, came home and saw my looovley bulbs coming up....

    New Buds by Enigma_rising, on Flickr

    Then in the evening, we had the send off for two of my friends who are off on a 4 month ordination retreat at a very isolated centre in spain, we came together to celebrate them, to wish them well, and to do a final ritual all together, one of the chaps is very good at making shrines, and this was his offering for the evening...

    The Shrine at the Ordinands send off. by Enigma_rising, on Flickr

    the avalokitesvara rupa...

    Avalokitesvara by Enigma_rising, on Flickr

    the other rupa, not sure who this is though!

    Not sure who this is....other side of shrine! by Enigma_rising, on Flickr

    Matthews beautiful painting, centre of the shrine..

    Matthew's fantastic painting. by Enigma_rising, on Flickr

    Offerings waiting to be given during the Puja.

    Offerings waiting to be given. by Enigma_rising, on Flickr

    The huge Alalokitesvara Thanka at the back of the Shrine room.

    The massive Thanka of Avalokitesvara. by Enigma_rising, on Flickr

    Hi hun, Congratulations and welcome to the forum:) i'm another one of those doula types and i second what sarah said:) This place has supported loads of lovely ladies through their pregnancy, and there is a lot of knowledge on here, especially regarding the saftey of 'alternative' or natural practices, (while i totally agree with bioflower that you should do your utmost to give your baby the best chance, that doesnt always mean a high tech hospital birth, its unique to each pregnancy and birth)

    See how you feel about moving back, if it was me i think i would want some folks i knew around me for support, its a massive change in your life and if moving back , at least for a while, is possible i'd consider it, but thats just me:)

    My pregnancy and birth was alternative in some ways, (i wanted it to be veeeeery natural, home birth, no drugs, minimum intervention etc) and yet very medicalised as well, i didnt plan it that way but in the end i needed an induction, which meant having to be in hospital, i tried going natural, then tried gas and air, then decided due to the intensity of the induction meds i needed an epidural, but it didnt work, lol so in the end he was born with no effective pain relief (the wouldnt let me have the gas and air while i pushed!) but it was pretty incredible as i really felt him coming! I felt for his head as it was moving down, and had him put straight on me, which was amazing. I decided not to have the vitamin K injection that they offer newborns as i didnt want him to be injected so soon after being born, he had the oral drops instead, so i guess that was a little alternative. (babies dont always have enough vitamin K and a small amount can have internal bleeding after a traumatic birth, ie forceps or prolonged delivery, and dont clot well, but its very rare and since he was a normal delivery i decided to go with the drops, which are just as effective, just over a week rather than all at once, and fine for most babies.)

    theres loads of things to think about, but you have loads of time to do your research and decide what you would like to plan for, just stay aware of what might happen if plans go awry, as babies tend to come how they want to, not neccesarily how you want them to:) most important thing is to get infrormed, about the way birth happens, so when the time comes you have an idea, fear is the thing that holds us back, especially when giving birth. Dont be afraid to come and ask here about anything, us lot love giving info and helping folks. :)