Posts by darrrren

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    Hey you. Lol, its still hard to see but at least I'm seeing a bit more than I was this time last year. Everything has two sides, good and bad so my counciller tells me, not just bad haha.

    Now I never thought I'd say this but here we go. I normally am pretty negative, glass half empty and always think the worst. I often still do. However, im getting a bit better better at trying to look at things for good and bad. I used to think I was trapped,had no way out and had no choice. When I am honest to myself though, I am where I am because of my choices, and if I wanted to I could change the situation. The choice is mine. I still am angry and frustrated and everything at times, but its empowering to know the choice is yours. Remember that. Like ma said early on, we can get up and move to where we can live on our land for example. The choice is yours.

    Haha thankyou. I could write you a book but I've had an operation and been getting help for the mental health side of life. But things are moving forward I think. Missed you all I have. Hope everyone is well.

    I feel your pain mate, in a job your not keen on, however I find it's the people I work with. Think of the bigger picture. One thing that's helped me is writing a journal or diary. Get it all out, and as the months go by, look back on old entrys to track progress.

    Hey guys sorry for the delay i was out in the sticks last week so couldnt get on. I think sombody has had a word with one of the idiots whos part of the clique as he was out with us and was completely different towards me, id even go as far as to say he was alright, which im shocked im saying. So, ive been taking the pills ten days and decided im stopping stopping today. I have a GP appointment monday morning, and im still waiting for my referal to the mental health councilling team but it shouldnt be a long wait. Ive decidied id like to discuss with them and see how i feel without the pills to start, and use them as a last resort. Nomadic RT hit the nail on the head with your description of the workplace and how weaknesses become the focus of the cliques, id swear youve done the job yourself just from what youve said. What i have done, is gone back to old things i used to enjoy doing as a child, got myself an offroad bike, and i got myself a new ferret this week, things ive always enjoyed but not done for years. Im also doing bits to my house ready for when i leave. IE, settiing it up as a mini type smallholding/homestead. I agree with JimB, doing things ive always enjoyed but not done for years has been a refreshing change and focus.
    The job will always be like this as has been said, it follows you around, nothing is personal in my job. A collegue has had similar issues and i asked him about it last week. He said he didnt take the pills, he did a 2 week stress management course, and ive seen a big shift in him. I cant thank you all enough for listening and giving your input to me, it really has helped me so i thank you all for that. Helping me in a bad time. I am going to start mediating again, taking a step back in work, not chasing the promotions etc, and just focus on number one for a bit. I started journalling about two months ago and ive found it good, but its all negative when i read it lol.

    Thankyou, that makes alot of sense to me. At the moment it feels like im stuck you know, i think thats why i finally got to this point. Alicewonderland! Pm me your number i know we sent a few emails before and then sort of faded off. Thankyou for the advice. I hope you all dont mind every now and then im just going to keep updating on this thread because i find it helps me putting it into words and hearing off a few of you guys because i know you wont judge me.

    The doctor told me to take them at night for now and then in two weeks he will switch them to the morning. Dolly your right, work and the relationship had gotten hard since around november last year, and there was an incident last year when we broke up briefly and even though i tried to just let it be and carry on i dont think i ever really got over it. I hate the job, but it was tolerable until a certain click of people got posted to where i am and started making me the butt end of jokes, until i finally lost my temper and told the 3 of them exactly how it was. They tried to use the rank system and i told them it was nothing to do with rank or being in the army, they had crossed the line, and army or not i wouldnt be putting up with thier shit. So, nothing ever gets said to my face, whats happening is a few people i get along with are telling me things that are being said amongst them on work briefings etc, and its just out of order. I feel like everyone is against me, i dont trust anybody in work, and i have zero confidence or motivation. As part of seeing the doctor he has reffered me to the department of mental health. Im hoping that when i explain whats making me feel like it then he can get me moved to another unit. One of the three twats is the one who finally gave me the final push to go to the doctor, and he hasnt been so bad since ive worked under him, as now hes seen what im about. Ive been reluctent to take the pills, but most of my family are on somthing, so im wondering if its inhereted? Whatever the case i cant go on feeling like i am, im 27 for gods sake. Thing is, id leave my job tomorrow if i could, but i get paid alright to the point i can pay my house quick in a few years if i stay, and i need to do that to follow my dream of working away around the world with labour for free accomodation and food. However, its got to this.

    Its not somthong that will pass Paul, I've had bad anxiety for years and worrying. Its the last 8 months of my job working with certain people that has slowly chipped away at me. I think if I cling on ill just get worse. Ma, I still live in wales but still in the army at the moment, if I didn't have my house id be gone in a flash. Mountains of self help books from my mother, and none of it worms. All that ever helpss me a bit was meditation but its hard to stay on the horse. I really would rather not take pills but somthings gotta give. I was on holiday last week,loved it, got back Monday. Broke down Tuesday. I just have no control of my life being here.

    I still do things I love. Fishing,gym every day etc. It's like Ma said,itd always there. And I am not experienceng happy feelings ever. Work is a huge factor but I've had anxiety for a long time too. I just don't want to be on tablets all my life. How have things improved ma since you started? Thing is Paul I work away. So I spend Mon to Fri just wanting to go home to do what I enjoy.

    I'll try and keep this short. Over the last 8 months, my worrying and anxiety has gradually gotten worse. I had issues with my relationship last year, and it recently ended. I hate my job as its so clicky, and I've had friction with certain superiors who like to bitch behind my back. Its got so bad I've distanced myself from people and become quite withdrawn. I spoke to these people and they've said theres no personal issue.


    So, it ended up with me having two or three breakdowns in work. My mums been telling me to see a doc and I've put it off as I did t know what to say and felt silly. After another breakdown yesterday when my line manager asked me about an Issue between me and another, he suggested I head straight down the doctors, that he thinks I need help. I feel like the world is against me at Times.


    I went to the Medcentre, did docs questions and he said I have moderate depression,referred me to mental health clinic . I explained i didn't really want to take tablets etc, and he gave ne the choice,saying they will only help. I decided to take his advice and took my first last night. They are called escitalopram. I'm just a bit scared by it all to be honest,no obvious trigger but I can't go on as I am. Has anyone been in the situation and can offer advice?

    Been home a couple of night now, and i dont know what to do with myself, and feeling really lonely. Did just get back from my sisters and an old mate was there, althougnh im pissed off as a good childhood friend i just found out got married and i didnt even get an invite or know about it! I just feel now that i have nothing really going on in my life other than work. Im off to france for a few days monday but i guess i just feel lonely and on my own a bit.

    I think its just a matter of time now, and doing it the best way. Paul, everything you just said is like reading about me. You hit the nail on the head. I do have some good mates back in wales, mates who will last a lifetime who I made through the army, who also live on my doorstep, its a small world. My best friend Steve was in this situation and I watched him get worn down over the years into an empty shell. He finally cut the ties and now is with a gorges girl and they're both very happy. It is that dependence thing, but I don't really rely on people doe things, although I guess I do emotionally. Thankyou for all the sound advice. Keep your eyes out for me on the lonely hearts bit in the freeads lol.

    Alice wonderland, you have me panicking a bit now. I was just thinking on your post whilst cooking. My mortgage is In my name, my sister lives there for very cheap. The girlfriend has her own house that she rents out and I'm not on any council tax, its all her name. Does this mean she is entitled to a anything of my house if I upped sticks? I didn't think of this. I am panacking now. My house is in my name nobody else is on the papers. Only my sis is in the council tax. I hope this isn't the case! Sounds bad I know, but I bloody worked for that house!

    Alicewonderland, send us a pm. We have pinz, although I've not worked on them. I have done alot on dads, drops, and the new MAN svs, a d they're all similar. I can try and dig out repair instructions for the pinzgauer. Isit an end axle seal leaking? If you got a photo I can better advise.

    Thanks guys. I know what you mean gee I have seen this too. I know in the past she had been badly abused herself in one of her relationships, quite badly aswell. So I often wonder if this has caused damage. Thing is though my proper dad used to beat my mum around infront of me as a kid, however, I didn't think it was acceptable for a man to hit a woman,Infact I despise such people. I think being a man, it hard to see sometimes, and you can be ins denial as you don't think it can be the other way around. I know what's right through, and I know your all right. Just to much bloody hard work!

    Nulife, I just got a bottle of old Rosie, and I have a bag of apples, you do the maths haha. So firstly, this site, on my phone,is rubbish, it crashes constantly and I have to try many times getting into certain parts. My phone I'm blaming not the site, I love it here. Sorry to hear all this, I have been on exercise most of this month so have been away from any form of computers phones etc. I could of taken a look and assessed the damage as thats what I do, and I agree scrappys or ebay are where I look for parts usually. Wiring looms are a pain, but at least it wasn't a whole loom out job, try to look on the positives. At least it happened now, and not in Europe. I bought my van, and it ended up needing shitloads done in the end. At least now you know you got a great van, with what should now be reliable. Keep ontop of your oil changes, I do mine every 10k, and your engine wear will be minimal. Do your checks, and keep ontop of it. Sorry I wasn't around to help. I have loads of rations though if you need, ill check for veggie ones. I can show you how to change your oil and filters etc if you want somtime, will save you a bit. I also have a trade card I can get you oil etc for cheaper. Now get on that road to Europe!

    Thankyou for all the advice. Its a hard one, there has been good times but I've definatly had a shift in myself, and seeing things more clearly. Its so exhausting constantly arguing, and then argui g through texts in the week. I always blamed work for feeling low but maybe that's not what it is. I'm off to France for a few days in two weeks on my own so ill have time to have a good think on my own. Thankyou everyone, feel like I got some good people here 😊,well there are there's no doubt about it.

    Despite"being on a break" it was lime cheating due to the circumstances,it wasn't a proper break at the time, but yes, same one. I'm looking at things a bit different lately and feeling resentment. I really don't know what to do, I'm relied upon alot and id feel like a bastard just upping sticks when she struggles but I know I'm not happy. There is a drinking issue aswell, not myself by the way. I tried alot to offer advice and encourage to cut down but then I get told I'm a nag. I was on exercise a while back, god help that I decided I wanted to go fishing when I got back because id been kipping in a field roughing it for three weeks. I deserve to relax and do stuff I enjoy. Every weekend I seem to be doing housework or fixing shit that's broke be it car,dishwasher,tumblr dryer, or if not painting. I feel more like a workman lately. Maybe deep down in a bit lonely and that's why I haven't left already.

    I'm saying this quick before I don't put it down. I know everyone rows, but when is enough enough. If someone is trying to dictate who you can and cant talk to, what's the crack? When no matter how much you give, or do,its not enough? When money is always such a big issue? When you've had a total of 14 stitches in your head from two separate incident's, and get so fucking wound up inside every time you see the scar on your face? When you have a dog you love to bits and don't want to leave him there? When you've spent a good few years together and its hard to go? When your parents are always saying you look so down and can do better? There have been good times, but its hot and cold on a switch. I drove back to work early tonight, and I actually screamed out loud behind the wheel of my car. I just want to be happy. I know I not perfect, but I'm an absolute gentleman no two ways about it. She's nearly twice my age, although this never was a thing to me.

    I wish i was joking alicewonderland, thats how much it is! I have to have it short because of work but one day ill be growing it out a bit for sure. Good to see im not the only one doing it, and nobody picked me up for it in work this week so it obviously turned out ok too :D

    So, beginning of the month, i went for my monthly haircut. its abotu 14quid. Then it suddenly dawned on me with the 2quid parking ticket and 2 quid toll getting to where i have it done, thats 18! SO! i went on the bay, and got myself some wahl clippers for a tenner with grades one to four. i looked on youtube at some tutorials, and do you know what, ive actually managed to cut my hair just as good as the bloody barber. ive even blended it in. ok, it took me a while, but i went slow, started with longer grades and slowly worked it, as im not keen on skinheads on myself. fair play, looks tidy, and im nw going to be saving about £200 a year. who knows, i may even get the boys in work throwing me a few quid to do thiers haha. If you like short styles or short back and sides go for it, i feel pretty chufed aswell i managed to do it. i just cut the length on top with scissors and used a mirror for the back.

    I just went in local paint supply for cars, 45quid for 5litres. Painted straight on, matt with a slight smooth finish. Rollered on and looms awsome. They had NATO green and olive drab

    Right by the m32 as you go into Bristol on the right are a load of live Ins parked up. They are everywhere in brist, hell there was a lorry parked by where I stay over Xmas and it was only after three weeks I noticed the chimney on top with smoke coming out lol. There are loads in Bristol.

    Last night I got together with fire tree and a new member on here, who's user I can't remember! Was good fun, I had a tour of the van and horse box thats getting coverted. I saw Julian the gypsys work on the stove called Steve, good job! Best of all, I Learnt how to put a chicken in a trance and check its ass for mites haha, you Learn something new every day. Thanks for the food and the beer! See you guys soon I hope.