Posts by pixie-egg

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    Argh. My land lord is mowing!! Will have to wait a few weeks for the mushrooms to grow back.

    Yeah that's why i've not dared try them without knowing what they are. It's just not worth risking it. I don't particulary like mushrooms anyway but love free food! So will try to get an id.

    We do have a big wood near us so will have to look into this more. My son find's what I call Fairy Shroom's, red with white spots and he knows not to touch them. But thats as far as my current knowledge goes! X

    What a good thread! I may well be posting a pic for to id soon. We get LOADS growning in our garden lawn and i've often wondering but never dared to pick them. Small creamy brown and flat topped. Dog eats them and he's fine so I guess they are safe just didn't want to risk my son. Not that I don't care about my dog but he seems to have a sixth sense about these things! X

    Gogen by any chance?I worked for them for a day (hey i was desperate for a job and thought meh atleast its for charity)....I don't think they actually remove anyone from their lists when you ask them too...I kept getting the same people to call in the same day and was told off for not badgering a 92 year old women for money when id already practically made her cry because she couldn't give more then the 20 quid of her pension she was already giving...I quit after one day. However...after working for them and looking at loads of the figures...and for my ex bf working for gift doing street fundraising... the morals of a charity call centre are to be desired...but...they do make charity a hell of a lot more money then they get paid to run the call centre. For example for the red cross on a cold call 4 year campaign go gen were being paid something like 56,000 by the red cross and made back over 700,000 (figures might be slightly off but they were something very similar to that). So rest assured the charity you are donating your money to are not wasting your money on call centres :)Actually...this is a misconception. Charities are still allowed to call you if your xdirectory because they are not selling you anything, and because somewhere you must have expressed interest in their charity...either by already donating to them...or by not ticking a box on some form you once filled in saying you did not want your details being passed on to third party organisations. I got lots of people telling me that day i wasnt allowed to call them because they were xdirectory. I had a little legal spiel i had to read out to them.The main problem with charity fundraisers isn't that they are wasting ccharity money...its that the company hired to fund raise only cares about hitting its targets to earn the money. So they teach the fundraisers to use manipulative, harrasing and mentally bullying techniques in order to get people to sign up. Thats why there is a moral issue with them and i wont be working for them again.

    It wasn't that charity no. but it sounds very similar in it badgering techniques. I am aware in my rational moments they make more money than that is spent on call centres, otherwise why do it? But like when Paddington Bear wants his exact 2p back from the bank I want my £10 going to help the cause I signed up for. I know that that is ridiculous but that scottish bloke that rings every other day is really driving me mad. I've asked numerous times for them to stop and two days later he's back. I talk to him more than I do my hubby. Argh. I don't think i'd mind a new charity ringing, I don't mind the folk in town centres but this one is really pushing me to stop my donations altogether.

    You totally make sense, don't doubt yourself. I think any bad or good experience affects us but agree it doesn't have to determine who you are. You had the most precious choice taken away when you were too young to even fully understand, that is the most horrific thing I can think of. Do I think it affected every choice you've made since? Certainly not. You are a whole person with so much more about you than those experiences. I've only told one person and thats my hubby. Everyone else I meet has no idea of the demons that man (can I call him that, not really) left behind. And why should they? The black days don't take over all the bright days so it clouds how I am so others can see the demons. They are mine to battle with. And it's the same for you. If you meet someone new and don't tell them they won't have a clue, and you can look at yourself like that too. So by no means did those horrible people determine who you are. They may have helped mold a tiny part the cast but that is it, they did not make you.

    There seems a pattern in how a lot of us think and in coping strategies. I too read some nasty things. For some reason I spend ages looking for the dirtiest nastiest books I can find to download. I love my kindle but not sure it's doing any good. I think if I read horrid (be it fact or fiction) stories it'll make me pleased I didn't have it that bad and that it'll desensitise me. Not working. I end up a wreck thinking why am I still moping about what happened. So i'll read something to cheer me up and then convince myself I don't deserve it so i'm back to the nasties. The wheel of ka I suppose. Films don't bother me as much. Books are the worst because my imagine can be let loose and make any situation into my own, I can be any character doing anything. I honestly thought it'd help. I suppose it goes hand in hand with the wanting to relive it. It's a way to put myself in a position I now feel strong enough to get out of. I can turn my kindle off anytime I want. But it never makes me peaceful. Just angry that someone made me analysise myself so deeply and at myself for being so stupid to do it again.

    I've been thinking about this a lot lately. In a good way! I've come to the conclusion that my interest in bdsm came BEFORE the attack. Whoop, I'm not a complete wierdo.I remember reading The Story Of O while skiving from school. God knows how I found it! I used to just got to the library and read. Such a geek. I think i've just spent the time since then repressing those interests in it because of what happened and the shame that goes with the rape itself and with wanting to be "taken" by my hubby. We've had a good chat about it and he admitted he doesn't like it incase it triggers a bad memory. Sometimes I think he still suffers more than me and it happened before I met him! I've not told him i've thought about it really happening again, think that would blow his mind. But I don't really think I do want that. I'm not scared of it, but certainly not looking either. I don't know what I want now. There is still just the full stop to put on that chapter and I think i'll be done.

    Thanks so much for starting this thread. You've made me think about things i'd been hiding from and i'm very grateful. I hope others can get some sort of peace from it too. This forum rocks. So glad I found you all. If I knew how to do them facey things i'd do a hug one x

    I TOTALLY agree with you 100%. And that is how we practice it too. Safe, sane, consentual as they say.

    I was put off it for years thinking I maybe like that kind of stuff because of the attack, but I just don't know now. I do get a thrill out of trusting my husband to know my limits and knowing we have a safe word, which i've never had to use either. I don't know if I like it because I experienced it not consentually and want to gain some power back. It's strange how me being the dominate doesn't appeal at all. Or maybe I would have been kinky anyway. All I DO know is that i've finally learnt that sex is funny and to be enjoyed not tolerated.

    I've enjoyed a meal! Went shopping and got loads of yummy stuff (turned out cheaper than normal too). We had goulash made from scratch. Even my little boy ate every single bite. Hubby put his in the bin and had cereal, bums to him! I'm very please with us both and going to tackle noodles tonight.

    Due to another thread too i'm on a big mission to look after myself more and I now know food is going to play a large part of this.

    Just thought i'd let you know it's going well. And thanks for helping to motivate me.

    Learning to take care of myself like I would another person is healing that, little bit by bit, though. :)

    This is what i've been doing lately. I spent so long feeling unworthy and second class that I just didn't care about myself. It took till having my son so show me there are still beautiful things in the world and for him I started looking after myself. I do it for me now though. Just something small everyday, but thats JUST for me. It does make a difference and it makes me like and appreciate myself again. Your story made me cry in a bad, angry, fustrated way and in a good way too. It seems now I react to story's of abuse now with wishful violence. Maybe thats a good thing, anger. Before i'd shy away from the subject, close my ears and block my thoughts. Now I just want to spill blood and cause long term damage. I was thinking last night, fried my head actually. And i've realised that my interest in vampires might stem from my attack. I thought it was the 4 blood transfusions after the birth of my son. The feeling of getting blood back in my body was better than any high I can describe. But maybe it's the sexual predator element? I've been trying to get my hubby into BDSM too. Just realised i'm maybe trying to act out scene's of sexual violence I have control over to make up for what was taken from me. Maybe I don't REALLY want it to happen again but need somehow to take control of it. I always thought i'd end up killing him in my dreams but never actually got that far before they stopped. Maybe I need that in the form of my hubby binding me up and dominating me before safely releasing me while we have a cig and a giggle together? It took till having my son to appreciate that I should be grateful to him too. I always thought he should be so thankful I let him near me but I should be thankful for him too. So maybe you are all right and it's not about reliving it in real life. It's about looking after yourself and getting some closure through what you have already. I think on the whole i'm fairly happy. There is just that black door at the back that not locked yet. I need to find the key not open it. - bloody dog started barking and i've totally lost my trail of thought. Sorry for babbling on. And thank you for this thread. Indeed very brave of you to admit first. I'm shocked at how many have replied and have thought the same. I feel normal now! and have sorted and filed some thoughts.

    Medusa, that post was amazing. I'm sorry you have a tale like this tell, seems so many of us have been hurt. A lot to think about... My head is a shed now but i'll re-read later. Thank you so so much for helping me to look at it in a healthier way. I don't feel as mental now! I'll read it again when my head has calmed down and try to put things in order. Thank you :-)

    I have just read your posts in the other thread and thought "my god, thats me!". I had a termination that I felt my partner bullied me into. For a year I was totally obsessed with getting pregnant again and still to this day think about the baby I lost all the time. I came off the pill without telling him and got pregnant. Luckily it turned out ok and he was as happy as I was. I still feel bad about tricking him but don't for a second regret it. Women are evil creatures! On the whole I think it made me a better parent as I appreciate my boy more through missing the one I gave up.

    I'm so so glad i'm not the only women to want to relive some bad times!! I was raped when I was 18 and it took a long time to get over, still not sure I am. Recently i've been thinking about reliving it to see if I could have fought harder or screamed for the neighbours louder or just clawed his eyes out. I wonder if i'd go to the police or tell my family so I don't have to recover alone again. I honestly think i've gone mad somedays thinking about it. The nightmares have stopped but I miss them now. Nothing ever got resolved in my dreams and I was holding out for an outcome. I think thats when I started thinking about it happening again in real life. If I could experience it again I think I could resolve the situation so I can get some gain from it. As it is i'm just left feeling how I felt 10 years ago when it happened, dirty, used, humiliated and an ever increasing self loathing. Not so much for the rape itself but for how I reacted when it was happening and the weeks/months/years following.

    I sound like a complete nutjob. I'm just so glad to have this thread and now at least know i'm not the only one who has acted in such a way and has a yearning to re visit a traumatic memory. I'm sending a big hug and I really do hope you can sort your head out x

    I'm doing mine with vodka instead. How long do you leave it for before drinking? I'm VERY impatient and a shake every so often isn't going to hold me at bay!!

    My friend has lots of rabbits and guinea pigs. The rabbits, she keeps outside, even in the snow. As long as they have somewhere PACKED with bedding to dry off and warm up she said they are fine. Also every time one of her animals has a problem you can guarantee it'll be one of the pigs. The rabbits seem a lot tougher, maybe because they can live wild here, I don't know.

    That "i'm bored of this pet now" section is so busy! I can't believe it. There is one in ours with only one eye. Been there months too and i'm so tempted (my friend won't take him, she has girls:-() X

    I've only my personal experience to go on but I more or less co slept with my son constant from day one, same duvet even. My health visitor went mad so in the end I lied and said he was now in the cot. For me it was just easier and more relaxing breastfeeding. Why get up when you don't have to?

    He didn't sleep through till he was well over two so i'm can't really help you there. I used to give him a big warm milky oaty supper before bed so he wasn't waking up hungry. So we'd have a gentle song then he'd nod back off.

    The boy is now 3 and in his own bed but we still share our bedroom. We live in a tiny one bed cottage so no choice. He's perfectly able to sleep in his own room on visits to my dad's and I can see no detrimental implications on his development for sharing. When he wakes up in the morning he'll potter about playing before getting hungry and waking me for breakfast! I really wouldn't let the health visitor worry you. Your baby is 13 months, still very young. Ooh I love them at that ages. Getting away from being babies and you can see the "proper person" breaking out. Chill out and enjoy it X

    :D :reddevil: you know... physiologically men are perfectly capable of lactating... Its a fascinating one for google search :whistle:

    I remember seeing pic's of a man in South America somewhere. His woman had died, I think, so he took over and it worked!Ooh there was one of a woman feeding a dog too. (i need to stop telling people what I look at on the net)

    Winter, you hit the nail on the head with my hubby. Someone suggested that we both get up during the night feeding and he did, then fell right back asleep. By the second week he'd sleep right through! Bloody men! I kicked him out of bed so didn't feel too lonely. Now I just feel sorry for him for missing out on such special times. Nothing like your own milk drunk baby. I used to read to my son and the bond I felt grow was unexplainable. Obviously it was still good during the day but when you've got up every 40mins with a hungry baby it makes for a memorable experience.

    Ooh i'm all broody!

    Hmm, sounds very doable.

    Hub's hardly eats with us anyway. Another reason I only pick at tea. I'm pissed at him for "not being hungry" after he'd known I was making a meal and trying to bribe the boy into eating something too (dog gets fed well on left overs). I'm afraid he's following me and would go days unless you reminded him. Not good since he's only 3.

    Whatever I want when I want?? seems like a diet of fruit and creamcakes for a while! Nom

    So i'm back to my shopping list and just getting "Bek food" :-) x

    Bloody charities that keep ringing me!! I know you need my help, hence the already standing direct debit. I know your current plight, you send newsletters every month. I'm gonna get in touch and demand my donations are actually put to some use, not running call centres and wasting paper. Aargh, if I could pay you more I would have already risen the amount. As it stands i've got my own son/dog/human rights to sort out too. Now fuck of and beg someone who earns more and hasn't got their eyes on some purple dm's!

    And breathe...

    Ha. I could have shot him too!

    My bloody paragraphs keep disappearing when I submit post! God I hate my phone.

    I think i'm definately subconsciously stopping myself eat more. I know I won't so I don't bother trying half the time. The last time I really enjoyed eating something was a big ole hog roast at beautiful days, with nearly the whole pot of apple sauce. I liked it that much I went right on back for another!

    Foods in the house? This is were I might get told off. We eat lots of pasta, potatoes (baked for me!), salad, sandwiches on naughty white bread, tuna. My hubby is a meat and two veg kinda guy so I do miss having something more flavourful. So I only do "nice" stuff for my boy and I at lunch time occasionally. Hubby just won't touch anything with rice or noodles. He even wouldn't touch our home grown spud's the boy was so proud of.

    Right... I'm making a shopping list next of things I think I might ENJOY but don't bother with anymore. -Ooh, you are good! X

    no limits - we want you right here in the thick of it with us pixie-egg!this thread is about finding out the REAL reasons why we do what we do - the title is a catchy hook to get people looking ;)so - why don't you like to eat?

    Ooh, thanks for replying!Good question that I was hoping you could help me find the answer too. When i'm in the right mood I could eat for england. Just most of the time I get full too easy. My weight didn't really bother me until I got pregnant and even family members were saying I could never carry to full term and I should expect the worse. Well fuck them, I had a healthy pregnancy and a BIG healthy baby. Then I was told i'd not be able to breastfeed. I did till HE gave it up. So since being a mother i've been made to feel lower class because of my weight. I can feel people starring and judgeing. And I also feel I should show my son a good example by finishing the super small portions but I just can't. So I don't think I don't like eating. I think eating doesn't like me.

    Hi. I feel a bit cheeky popping in here as i'm new to this forum.
    First off well done everyone by being so honest.
    Second do you think your methods can work for a skinny girl? I'd LOVE to not be so thin but just can't eat anymore than I do without literally being sick. I hover between 7 1/2 and 8 stones when I should be 10, i'm fairly tall. More often than not I can go till tea time without eating a thing. Obviously i'm knacked ALL the time (also suffer insomnia so get about 2 hours sleep a day), the walk to school and back totally wipes me out. I kinda know I just need to eat more but the thought of it in my mouth and stomach will put me right off and feel full. I'm embarrassed infront of my hubby and cringe when I know he can feel my bones, even though we've been married 10 years and i've always been like this. I did go to the doc's about it but all he said was enjoy it, many woman dream to look like you. But they don't, I have a typical models body, which I find quite repulsive. Women are beautiful and I love the hip bit which isn't meant to be bone but a fleshy curve you can grab onto.
    I'll stop now cos I could babble forever. Sorry for intruding if this thread is limited to weight loss x