Friends and family doing my head in

  • Hi All!


    I’m worn out. My brother is a recovering heroine addict (again) and has no money. He’s spent most of his adult life addicted to drugs and/or alcohol and can’t stick a job or run his online shop either. He’s getting help now but I’m getting worn out propping him up. My husband has traits of Asperger’s and spends most of his time st work or on a train (not to go anywhere he just likes being on a train) or shut away tinkering on computers. He doesn’t do much round the house. He doesn’t respect my schedule and expects me to fit in with his needs. I’ve always given him loads of support for his solitary hobbies and fill my time with my own stuff which he complains uses up “family time”. On a number of occasions I’ve been slightly late home from a hobby or work and he accuses me of sleeping with other men. My best friends have become busy and remote and I’m the only one who puts energy into any arrangements. I was bullied in a previous job which I left because I was in danger (nobody listened, despite reporting it in a meeting). I’m rebuilding my life and my new work is great now butI’m at the end of my tether. Nobody gives a shit about my needs and I’m expected to be this column of perfect marble dispensing divine energy, love and forgiveness no matter what. I can’t cope anymore. I told my hubby I’d leave if he didn’t change his behaviour and support me more. He trashes me to his friends about some decisions I make and faults me for things I can’t do anything about and doesn’t take responsibility for many actions. I’m out of gas.;(

  • Sorry to hear that Herbal Girl.I can't tell you what to do,but I will say,sometimes you just have to put yourself first.I also have a few people in my family I'd rather not deal with.I've disowned two of them,which I feel better for.You can't change the family you were born into but you can change how you deal with it.

    From my own perspective,yes in the past,many years ago,I felt like no one gave a shit.When I looked at it from a different level,I actually didn't give a shit about myself either,otherwise I wouldn't of tolerated other people's shitty behaviour.

    Start with loving yourself.When you do that,you put YOU first,and your levels of tolerance will change for the better.We've probably all been guilty of always putting other people's happiness first.The thing is though,your own happiness is more important.You're the one who wakes up everyday probably feeling like shit.

    Its helpful to realise too that everything we go through is temporary.You do have options if you want them.

    I walked away from a shitty marriage years ago,and that involved moving our kids and myself to a different country and starting from scratch.So I've been there and done it.

    What about your parents?Can they not help support your brother??

    Your partner says you fill your time with your own stuff,he then complains it uses up family time?You do have a right to spend some time doing what YOU want to do.Thats called down time right?Afterall your husband works and spends HIS downtime boarding trains to nowhere!

  • Hi Cobra!


    We have no near family as both my hubby and myself have lost our parents.

    I made my mind up to “re-train” hubby and explained I need time with my friends and do my work properly. While I earn far less than him I still buy food, our daughter’s stuff and contribute to holidays as well as do pretty much all the housework. I pay my way through the world by doing. I have supported him emotionally through lots of things. He seems to panic if things are out of his control and catastrophises but I reassure him and come up with a battle plan. It’s just having the energy to keep the plates spinning. He behaves like a frightened 10 year old sometimes.

  • I cant really add to what Cobra said,your hubby may have aspergers but sounds a lot like selfish narcissistic personality disorder too.

    Only you really know how you can resolve the situation to cause the least harm to all but its worth remembering its YOUR life no one elses and you weren't put on this earth to be a downtrodden serf to someone else.

    Its too easy when theyre family to feel you can't distance yourself or walk away because you have 'responsibilities' while they completely absolve themselves of their own.

    Sometimes it becomes time to stop keeping the plates spinning and do what YOU want to do.

    Good luck finding a way through.All things are temporary.

    Di occhi belli ne è pieno il mondo,ma di occhi che ti guardano con sincerità e amore, c'è ne sono pochi. :hippy:

  • Post by Maxal ().

    This post was deleted by the author themselves ().
  • Post by Maxal ().

    This post was deleted by the author themselves ().
  • Time for a deep breath and a simple pause for re-evaluation. The basic scenario is that you are "not your brother's keeper". Harsh though that may sound, we can pick our friends not our family. It comes down to prioritisation on the family front. My experience is that family give people more grief than anyone else (also for less thanks). There are professional organisations out there that may be able to your brother just as well, maybe even better than you, despite your efforts.


    As far as "loved ones" (husbands/wives/and all the other PC derivatives) they are chosen by us. If that choice does not seem so good on reflection, we can change our minds if we feel the need.


    Direct words, I'm afraid, but I'm not one for platitudes. You have to look after yourself foremost, lest you become unable to look after the others (and it strikes me that you want to look after the others)


    I hope it works out ok for you.

  • I have wasted a large amount of the little time i have on this planet pandering to other people....because I allowed it.Those people gave little back and are no longer in my life.I cannot get that time back it is gone forever.Those relationships were a reflection of low self esteem,that i did not value myself as I should of,nor did the takers.Time out a month far away?You never know you may bump into someone who gives you the respect and love you deserve.

    I lived with a heroin addict for a while.He started on cannabis then got involved with people into heroin.Nothing I ever tried to do to help him changed anything.In the end I moved away as he stole from me too often and I could no longer stand watching his slow motion suicide.Your life belongs to you,no body else.:hippylove:

  • Thank you for your wise words, guys you’re a great comfort. I started making changes a while back: I joined a singing group and an archery club - the people there are wonderful and encouraging. My new workmates are glad, not jealous when I do a good job. I do less housework- a bit of mess won’t kill anyone. I’m also distancing myself from my brother and some girlfriends and I are going on a weekend away this autumn. I want people around me who enjoy my gifts and if they don’t..well, they can smell my farts.

  • Thank you for your wise words, guys you’re a great comfort. I started making changes a while back: I joined a singing group and an archery club - the people there are wonderful and encouraging. My new workmates are glad, not jealous when I do a good job. I do less housework- a bit of mess won’t kill anyone. I’m also distancing myself from my brother and some girlfriends and I are going on a weekend away this autumn. I want people around me who enjoy my gifts and if they don’t..well, they can smell my farts.

    Good for you girl - be strong :)

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