Friendship Anxiety, What a Dick

  • Do you ever feel like your friends or acquaintances ignore you and your plans to meet up with them? That's how I'm feeling today....not a good way to start the new year, feeling depressed and anxious about the lack of respect your so called friends have for you.

    I sent two video messages to two fellas I'm sort of friendly with; one I went to college with and the other I became friendly with in Scotland. Now the Scottish guy is in London at the moment and he's someone that's always busy travelling about from one place to the next for jobs and doesn't wanna be tied down in his hometown or current friendships and the second guy has Asperger's syndrome and doesn't socialise often.

    I try to take these things into consideration but I can't help but feel like I'm being ignored. I just don't know who or what to blame....the two friends or my brain? My brain always puts these dark thoughts in my head which leads me to lash out at people and push them away but my bad luck with friends can't be ignored either. Ever since I started school I've had so much bad luck with keeping friends and that's what has led me to have high expectations of people and I was thinking earlier, it's expectation that hurts me, not these 'friends'.

    I think I'm also addicted to the high I get from doing nice things for people and that's why I keep doing it. Is being too nice my addiction? Like any addiction, it comes with lows hence how I'm feeling right now. I even thought about telling some girls I got friendly with in Scotland to go away too. Yeah, that's how bad my friendship anxiety is. I was thinking if I don't hear anything from those two fellas by the end of the week, I will send them a message telling them how I feel and they can take it how they want but if they are real friends, they will understand but most importantly reach out. If not, then I have my answer - friendship break up number 500.

  • That sounds like a lot of pressure. I have had relationships with people I thought I might have liked as friends, but when what I was offering hasn't been reciprocated those experiences can be a bit of a blow and undermine the confidence. However, these days I have some great friends and feel really lucky for it. I think I try not to have expectations of people that are too high. People don't like that kind of pressure and, in the end, no one has an obligation to respond how I want them to respond.

    I understand the thing about the high of doing nice things for people. I wonder if my partner experiences that. He is always thinking of gifts for people and has a stock of stuff ready for birthdays, Christmasses and just for cheering someone up when he thinks they are feeling under the weather. He is so thoughtful and kind, while I'm much more tight-fisted.

    I've heard the phrase, "Be a friend to make a friend". I'm not sure it's as straightforward as that.

    Hugs and best wishes for a friendlier 2018.

  • I think the problem is we all have subtly different ideas of friendship and expectations of it and when people dont respond how we expect them to, too regularly,we call that friendship into question.

    I think we've probably all got friends who let us down occasionally or prove too unreliable-I know I have- but ive adjusted my expectation of them so I dont get too put out when theyre inconsiderate,ive learned to be equally as unavailable when im suddenly -at their convenience -expected to do favors thst arent terribly important.....learning to say no is a good habit to learn,then you dont get put upon; knowing to be a good friend to them when they really need it - not when you choose it- is also worth learning,its getting the balance right so neither side feels put out or put upon and both feel valued by the other.

    Friends should be close and there for one another but not in each others pocket and should also know when to make themselves scarce when appropriate and not make unreasonable demands on their attention.

    In your situation OP ...had you even considered the oversight may be nothing more than not wanting to be pushy and invite themselves to someones home when -being holidays- you could well potentially be entertaining others.

    Ive not seen any mention of any specific invite being offered to either of the guys.just an expectation theyll show up because you want this.

    I think theres a fine line between being nice , enjoying pleasing people when the occasion arises and in thriving on a persistent high- or craving for one- from pleasing people and expecting them to be around you in order that you may please them -when it suits you - to massage your own ego and feel good or get a 'high' from it.

    A tad on the narcissistic side maybe ?

    People have their own lives and circles of friends and family and jobs and holiday plans and often cannot think of everyone to fit in a visit or chat on the phone, especially not at Christmas/NewYear,so getting crusty with people simply because theyve been too busy or overlooked you isnt terribly only serves to enhance your own insecurities about friendship and about yourself and that perception people 'dont care' about you.

    Unfair a bit on the guy with Aspergers too, when inherently theyre not always the most socially aware,or that what theyre doing -or not doing -may be taken as disinterest.

    'Friendship breakup 500' suggests to me that youre either placing way too much expectation on other peoples friendships or conversely youre putting too much pressure on them to comply and lashing out in tantrums with them simply because youre not always getting their attention and your own way and wanting to be the centre of attention. Youre just alienating them,making them uncomfortable around you.??

    I dont know which it is,but maybe a reappraisal of how you go about finding and keeping friends longer term might be a good start, or youll be destined to keep on repeating the same errors and compounding how you feel about friends and your own self esteem.

    Hopefully 2018 will be better for you and your friendships.

    Best of luck.

  • 'expectation' as you put it (OP) might be key and worthy of ponderance.

    Some of the people I've best connected with over the years were used to being alone or valued their solitude quite highly.

    Social plans often suffer by being planned.(people are mostly quite fickle [ the mood and emotion of a day can't be planned for] )

    If you start with nothing and expect nothing it is; philosophically speaking, quite difficult to be disappointed by people.

  • Having relocated many times,i have found a few people do stick with you wherever you are over the years.However, unless you relocate with others who travel with you, it is very difficult to reach out to others in the new landing spot and make fulfilling new friendships.I dont know about the males,perhaps its more accepted that males roam about alone.As a female though,other women are at times paranoid about their males being friendly with a lone female,which is very insulting,especially as at times they are "gaurding" utter twats,or males being concerned that their women may be influenced and stray...not into my bed,but unshackle themselves.I do admit I am a strong advocate of justice and freedom and have inadvertantly caused problems and I am actually not sorry about that if the persons involved were trapped in bad situations.As you get older also most people already have their circles set up,be it in settled communitys or a travelling group and havent the will or energy to bother with a lone stranger no matter how friendly they are.There is also a social perception I have observed ,of judging the arriving lone person of misfit:whistle:,potential danger,,freak.The lone wanderer must be an outcast,,,why?Heres some lines I had at me when I stopped awhile for schooling,in response to progressing chat to friendships..After being looked up and down.."come round for a cuppa?..I really dont think so" ..."Sorry,you seem a really nice person but I have got enough friends"...and avoidance.A female alone with kids wandering about is not "acceptable".Then theres the exploiters.People who trade" friendship" for ...looking after their kids for free,a loan here or there or otherwise helping them and males who pretend friendship then grope if they get a chance and call you frigid if you kick.

    I respect NRTs objective stance,I am just saying how its been for me,Getting tired now and Alices idea of a gathering of old roamers in a place for them to bow out seems like paradise to me.Would I change things?Nope not the freedom but most others dont get the need to roam ,nor want to take the chance that that stranger holding out their hand may prove to be a dam good friend.:hippie:Making friendships is difficult at times ,everyones experience is different,you are not being deliberatly avoided most probably,its difficult for most people,but stop keeping count.You will only compound the hurt in yourself,just let it go and move on.Give others a chance to come to you instead.Have you tried joining a club or going where others of your interests gather?Be it a job or activity?If you are coming across as very needy or clingy people may veer off.If you are happy in yourself and are your own best friend first?that may take the pressure off.All the best.:)

  • I think it comes down to the fact that most people -for whatever reason- are unreliable and dont live up to ones own personal interpretation of what friendship and reliability is about and we all have different interpretations.

    I agree with Zendaze,its best not to expect anything from anyone and be self sufficient and learn to love your own company and be comfortable in it.

    Then youve no disappointments in store from people and any that do show genuine interest in you are a bonus.

    Sometimes no matter how kind or friendly you are,people will dislike you for all kinds of bizarre reasons from your looks or off-hand comments you may have made and not even remember or your background gender race orientation etc etc and those people youll never change..theres even a few on here with narrow minds and grotty attitudes but it doesnt matter.

    Genuine no strings friendship is rare so its no point getting fraught and crusty when people dont reciprocate your attempts at friendship.

    Be yourself,be happy nothing else really matters.

    People will show up in your life if theyre meant to and you welcome them unconditionally or you make an effort to find friends by socialising.

    Users dont tend to hang around very long.

  • Tbh,I think you may need to toughen up a little.You've been feeling anxious due to the no contact from either of them.Do you think they've felt anxious because they did'nt reciprocate the contact.Sadly,probably not.Due to moving around alot,I too find it difficult to make new friends,but I do know I'd rather have one really good quality mate,than half a dozen shitty ones.You don't need to chase people.If you invite someone,and they can't be arsed getting back to you,then leave be.Move on.I think,as someone has already suggested,look into joining some clubs,do some voluntary work.New friends don't come knocking at your door.You do need to make some effort.If those also don't make any effort,then they're not worth bothering with.

    You only live once,but if you do it properly,once is enough!

    The post was edited 1 time, last by Cobra ().