My dating websites saga

  • My story is long, but I will keep it short. As a young girl I fell in love, we created a family, had our daughter, I started studying and meanwhile being a mum, I studied and worked as well. It was wonderful time and it felt much like a dream. it wasn't meant to last long, my partner died when our daughter was 14 months old, after 3 years of our relationship. We had an accident and I wasn't aware of his death while being in the hospital. After 4 weeks, my grandma told me, and my life was ruined. I have had to put myself together for our daughter. And we went through this nightmare together. My family was very supportive and I will be thankful for their love for ever.

    Now, my daughter is almost 18 years old. I have been married, got divorced. It's been 3 years since we got separated and then officially divorced.

    I have used this single time to get to know myself, to feel myself more, and to clear my head from past issues and start everything again, to learn to not to compromise in important matters, and to close my eyes on little things that don't really matter. I have grown a lot spiritually and became a better, happier person.

    I registered on one dating website, met some men, for a coffee, or a glass of wine, and nothing. They wanted to meet again, continue, and I was just feeling like they are all not for me. No connection, no missing anyone. No spark.

    There were other websites, but the same thing. The only man I really felt something for was a Portuguese man who was a chef, but wanted to build a food forest in Angola. Who talked a lot about his plans, but as we were getting closer, I noticed there was no place in his plans for me, so I decided to quit. He didn't really notice I said good bye too, oh, well :D

    I have deleted all dating apps, websites, apart from one. But all I see is either men who are looking for sex, no commitment, then men who want to get married and have kids ( NOW NOW !), or men that I am not really interested in.

    I go out, yes. But then I mainly go for live music events and I feel music so much that I can't be bothered with looking around , and perhaps I always thought it will just happen itself.

    Maybe it's not my time yet.

    I know, I should just do my things, keep my eyes open, accept and appreciate what I have now. However, I can't switch this thinking that I would like to share joys and worries with someone who cares. Someone who is straight forward and honest, who doesn't play games and pretend to be cool. I am like that, simple and honest, yet it's so hard to find someone who can open up and walk barefoot with me.

    P.S I feel a bit better now, some times just writing stuff helps to bring some order to this crazy life.

  • That's quite a story. I'm going to be straight honest here, so apologies if it comes across wrong. Firstly, the overall tone is of sadness, and the first paragraph defines that. No doubt the accident must have been awful to happen when everything comes together in your life and there is still promise for a lot more. I think this last bit is why the sadness remains (you know the potential of love). However, the fact you met your first husband and shared the time you did is wonderful. I take it you have a good relationship with your daughter and there's strength there?

    About relationships and what you say, of course the whole thing of why certain people attract is mysterious. Some people seem to be attracted to the wrong people and they argue endlessly. What brings people together? Also, to what extent do we need a relationship? [Strange about the Portuguese man.]

    I stress this is generalisation, but I think there is some truth in it: One thing I wonder about is whether it's easier to meet and make relationships when you're in your teens-twenties. It all seems much more straight forward, you shine out for who you are more clearly, there's more energy, you rush into things heedlessly, you're more flexible, life hasn't fooled around with you so much and things are more straight-forward. (This isn't true for everyone. It's not really true for me . . . ).

    Certainly in school/college there are a lot of opportunities to meet people. Meeting people in your forties -----> fifties . . . maybe all the good people are taken (they're in their dream college relationships), then of the left-overs, the available people are from 'broken' relationships, have other more specific pursuits, want careers, and personality-wise they have defences, are less flexible, things happen slower. Something is different.

    Life is a strange balance of having control, pursuing certain desires, but then also letting some go and accepting things for what they are (sounds so lame). If you want to play the guitar, pick one up; a relationship isn't that easy, how much is that in one's control? Really, I don't think I can say it better than you already have above - you take it at your own pace. The apps can be addictive, beguiling + there is the danger they delude you into thinking you are doing something positive towards your relationship mission (when really you could be improving your guitar playing) (and then the guitar playing would attract another guitar player to you?). Following your heart can be a strange thing. How much do you know your own heart? Life can test this last question to the max.

    I know there's a backlash for saying the above, maybe they are just things to respond to - it's important to keep the motor of positivity running. Your second-to-last paragraph is a gem.

    And always remember Lula Fortune:
    This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top.

  • A friend of mine lost her husband and started using dating sites when she felt ready, to start with though her heart wasn't really in it so she didn't have any second dates. What it did though, was give her the confidence to get involved with a guy when she really WAS ready.

    Dont give up is all i'll say but if you asre happy with your own company then it really doesn't matter all that much how long it takes

  • Thank you all for your answers. I totally forgot about this post and have my laptop in repair so kind of neglected this forum. But I feel some positive changes in my life now, and as Maxal said, I do realise it all sounds sad, but that's probably because I just expressed what I really feel deep inside. And only at certain times - when I have too much time to think. As for everyday life, I do what I love and I have a lot of positive energy and I know and believe in the good outcome of everything I do. First time in my life I know what I want and I know I can't compromise with it. I have started my tarot cards reading course and already met some wonderful people there. Singed in for second carpentry workshops and I'm looking forward to it. I decided I will not think too much about meeting a potential partner, will focus on doing positive, interesting activities I always wanted to do. Dating apps out ! Thank you again for your insightful and wonderful answer, Maxal, I think you're a good listener and you feel people very well.

  • A friend of mine lost her husband and started using dating sites when she felt ready, to start with though her heart wasn't really in it so she didn't have any second dates. What it did though, was give her the confidence to get involved with a guy when she really WAS ready.

    Dont give up is all i'll say but if you asre happy with your own company then it really doesn't matter all that much how long it takes

    . Yes! That's what I'm thinking too, being ready is the most important , so I will just stick to being gorgeous and maybe one day someone will notice me. Haha :)

  • Neila - Yes, you are gorgeous and I am sure you will soon be snapped up!

    Saying that, London is not always the easiest place to meet people. So getting out & about is essential.
    Why not try taking dance classes such as salsa, latin or ceroc and have some fun at the same time!

  • I got divorced a few years back and had a great time on dating websites. No, not what you are thinking! Just drinks, chats days out a lot of the time, nice company and very relaxed. In reality it saved my sanity, possibly my life. It got me out meeting people instead of sitting indoors on my own watching TV and drinking to cover up how I was feeling.

    OK some times it ended up in bed but that wasn't the agenda and actually I didn't like it when it did. It felt like I was being auditioned!

    The thing is I wasn't a predator and I told the truth. Many times I felt the ladies were looking far too hard and there is nothing more off putting than the 'husband hunter' on the prowl

  • Thank you for sharing a very personal story. I'm certain there are members on here who can relate to some or all of it, and it helps to heal those of us not ready to share like that. I'm happy that writing it out helped to make you feel a bit better. And i love your quote.