Polyamory Hell

  • First off all, im in a pretty bad mood. Therefore my apologies...


    After a year or year and a half, my girlfriend suggested a second women in our relationship. Ofcourse i was like, another women? #bestwifeever! What guy doesnt want 2 ladies in the bedroom right?!


    We've set the ground rules of things we can and cannot do. The most important one is, we cannot do anything sexually without each other. This rule isnt set in stone or anything. But it makes sure that in the beginning everything is fair.


    Now the dating begins! Fun right? Look for the people who are "open minded", and after a few minutes u find out that 99% of these people deserves to be hit in the eye with a lawnmower. I learned that "open minded" means else then "i sometimes put differend kinds of socks on".


    About a month or 2 ago, i felt so empty, and my girl felt same. We talked about it and decided that we should try again.


    Then, somehow we found someone online and chat for a couple of days with her. We started dating. It was great.When the 3 of us were together, it was awkward. But it felt right.


    I doubt its gonna be a relationship, because somehow all the efford comes of "our side". We want more but, i guess she doesnt.


    Oh well shit happens right?


    Well, we have been poly for more then 9 years now. And ofcourse we had doubts that we were actualy poly the last couple of years. But now it hits us like a brick. We are Poly and its just awefull. How the hell can anyone say that they are happy to be it? Its so f*** hard to find someone. And even if you do, no one wants to put any efford in any kind of relationship these days. Its like, "he dint put the toilet seat down, i better break up with him!"


    Polyamory isnt a choice. Its who you are. U cant say to a homosexual "have u tried not liking it?" Well, this is the same.


    I would like to hear your opinions about poly. How do you deal with it?



    P.s.
    1. We only do triangles. Everyting together. Wich makes it extremly hard/impossible to find someone.


    2. Its full of spelling mistakes and i do not give a poop!:snub:

  • I think the problem with asking these kinds of questions on this and other fora is that replies often come from people with little to no experience of any relationship beyond 'normal' limits and questions and questioners are judged accordingly...non of which is terribly helpful....its also a bit surprising coming from a 'hippy' forum where hippys congregate ya know free love etc etc ,how staid and 'normal' most hippies appear to be in the sex department.....I can guarantee if the same question the OP posted was asked on more openminded sites like alt or adultfriendfinder the replies to these kinds of questions would be totally different and probably more useful.

  • All relationships are different. Some are happy being monogamous, some not. Whatever suits is fine. And if it doesn't suit, it may be time to call it quits on this particular relationship, just the same as any other.


    Oops, just saw that you wrote you are having someone to make up your triangle. Hope you find someone soon!

  • U might be right. Although one would think the hippy forum is the place for this... But adult friend finder might be indeed more helpful. It really is hard to find people with similar expressions.

  • Well bear with it,youve only just posted it and you (and I) might be surprised.


    Had to laugh at your post,youre dead right about the 99% claiming 'open minded' status People like to think.they are but the reality is most are extremely conservative and run away at the first hint of actually exploring their open mindedness.People will talk for hours about all manner of fetishes but suggest meeting up to indulge them then youll not ever hear from them again.

  • Maybe its me, but I simply don't see where the dilemma is. Everyone has trouble finding a partner that's exactly right - how is that hell? I didn't see a dilemma with the guy whose wife wanted him to sleep with other women. He himself said fulfilling fantasies was always good, and they had slept with other women. So..

  • I have just read some about Libido's issues. I think he has more of a sexual and/or principle issue. And Poly dating (specially what we want) is extremely hard. There are a lot more factors that could be a dealbreaker or the reason it wont work from the start. Thats why i think its hell. Try to find something/someone that is extremely rare becomes frustrating. And yes, its so much more harder then normal dating.

  • Maybe its me, but I simply don't see where the dilemma is. Everyone has trouble finding a partner that's exactly right - how is that hell? I didn't see a dilemma with the guy whose wife wanted him to sleep with other women. He himself said fulfilling fantasies was always good, and they had slept with other women. So..



    I guess it is a dilemma if as the OP says,they are both poly but cannot find a compatible 3rd party to complete the triangle. ..probably as frustrating as being perpetually single and unable to find a compatible partner at all....no?

  • Exactly. If one were single, u could go to bars etc. Without explaining what u are looking for. Now the poly thing is, u have to explain it to almost everyone -_-' . Wich makes sense, because normally one would look for 1 partner. Not 2. But its still very demotivating after being called a perv for the milionth time.

  • Ah yes, I see your dilemma now. I always thought there were quite a lot of people who enjoy alternative type arrangements? I suppose just for the sexual aspect, some do, but is it actually a live-in partner that you and your lady are hoping to meet?

  • Exactly. If one were single, u could go to bars etc. Without explaining what u are looking for. Now the poly thing is, u have to explain it to almost everyone -_-' . Wich makes sense, because normally one would look for 1 partner. Not 2. But its still very demotivating after being called a perv for the milionth time.


    Totally understand that....As a gay guy i can and have found plenty of guys 'straight' bi and gay to have sex but not many who want sex and a proper relationship AS WELL..
    The few who want a proper relationship find out youve slept around a bit and its 'OMG youre a flthy rent boy slut'And thats the end of that...lol


    Youre kind of dancing around on your own dance floor alone...all the sex mad body fascists on one side and all the ultra conservative judegemental 'never had sex in my life, Im saving myself for THE ONE' queens on the other side and youre hoping someone from one side or tother will come meet you in the middle.


    Its been like that on the gay scene for years but from what i see its getting more like that for straights too.
    Anyone who happens to be of a different fetishism or niche is immediately a perve.
    I have some friends (married straight couple) very much into tantric sex but plenty of their friends think theyre weird and disgusting for it.
    If youre not of the 'normal' sexual /relationship routine genre,life.isnt simple.
    To find similar like minded people you have to frequent fringe websites and that seals your fate as a confirmed dirty perve in the eyes of the clean moral conservatives... Oh well lol
    You shouldnt give up though,you just havent found the right place to find the right 3rd person in your menage a trois...keep looking.

  • It can be hard to find the right person.
    I know this doesn't help to OP but I've tended to find triangle partners while I'm going about my usual life.


    -- Posted from the UKHippy mobile app --

    [SIZE=-1]"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well" Mother Julian of Norwich
    [/SIZE]

  • Jeffrey - I take it with your being blue and all that you aren't interested in becoming a mormon (I don't think they have blue mormons). I watched Big Love and found it fascinating - you might like it. It made me question the whole poly, bigamy, polyandry, polygyny thing, it's ridiculous all the different terms. And it does seem odd that the more 'progressed' a nation is, the more totally squared they are about the poly side of fucking and marriage. :eek: We are supposed to be secular now in the West, ie religion doesn't infringe on state concerns. Well apparently we still have a long way to go.


    The Wiki-article on "polygamy" is worth a look. There are a lot of cultures and religions that don't have a view on polygamy being bad (also, the Bible, particularly the Old Testament, doesn't have too much to prescribe against it). Despite this, we have a kind of tabboo restrained to the West regarding polywotsit. I was surprised to find this: "In 2000, the United Nations Human Rights Committee reported that polygamy violates the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights (ICCPR), citing concerns that the lack of "equality of treatment with regard to the right to marry" meant that polygamy, restricted to polygyny in practice, violates the dignity of women and should be outlawed."

    So-called 'liberated' cultures need to stop legislating against the personal (private)! They FIRST need to prove they can do a capable job of the public!!!! And I really can't over-emphasize this, some politicians are highly capable, but they can also be very dim on certain issues. The fact the world cared so much about Bill Clinton's blow job says a lot about this subject. (Just do your jobs . . .)


    I can sort of understand the point behind the above legislation. Watching Big Love you can see the Main Man is put in an authoritorial role (when it is polygyny) and that the woman kind of seeks benediction. At some points in the TV series, though the topic is taken seriously, it becomes a farce as the women compete with each other for attention (or just a cock for the night). Conversely, these are normal human drives (seeking attention), and the women can gang up on the man - but not so equally the Man has something the women all lack. Ultimately, can the Man provide? Even Viagra can't anwer that one.


    Such inequalities between the sexes may be the kind of things that any progressively social evolution should try to avoid. However, the State is a hulking imbecile sometimes and the private simply is not its domain. It is up to women to fight their corner and assert their powers and desires.


    I do note you use the term polyamory, that shows some degree of sophistication. You're not just talking about the sexual need but a real emotional need? So, women are not just objects, you respect them as feeling beings. Yes, as a single not able to even evolve to a relationship of two I find it odd you need to have double the pleasure. And that you describe it as Hell not getting the two women you so desperately need, that this is a thing you feel deep down, as though it is sort of defined in your genes.


    I don't see why you can't find peace with the one relationship you have - why does that one relationship not offer infinite possibilites? Also, would you be happy with a relationship of four (two women / two men), Surely there is more of a symmetry to that? And if you expect it to be OK with your gals being gay you too have that potential? You are a forward looking individual so I can see you have few barriers. Part of me wonders, if the perfect third were to be found, would another Hell appear? But for now you know what you want and that is a strength.


    Yes, it's difficult that people don't proclaim what they want. Everybody assumes on the binary code of one woman + one man. If you don't fit in that slot in society it is difficult. NomadicRT above mentions some good points on that. The people around us are all walking mysterys - we assume they all want the binary-opposite-monogamous-thingy and then what do you do to find out if they are more adventurous? I think we need to go Kathryn Hamnett and all start wearing white T-shirts sloganizing our deepest, darkest desires. We'd soon find our sole mates and isn't that the point? Or would we? Are humans more complex than even that? People constantly change, as soon as you think everything is sorted, something else comes up.


    We need to be who we are, through true expression we can attract like-minded people, get to know them and then welcome them into our homes. We are all on the same journey (given, Blue Face): in totally different fucking ways. Things aren't going to come easily, but we can do our best to accept others' strange tastes - and the State needs to stop interfering, Pope-included. Then maybe wearing the white slogan T shirts wouldn't be so hard.

  • Maxal. I think you are missing Jeffreys original point.


    It's harder finding partners if one is outside the 'norm'. That's the 'hell' he was referring to.


    Personally I am very happy in a long term relationship which is MFF. I've also being in two FFF relationships, one worked and one didn't.


    Yes it can be harder than a binary relationship because there are more people who need to communicate. And the only way any relationship will work well is with communication.



    -- Posted from the UKHippy mobile app --

    [SIZE=-1]"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well" Mother Julian of Norwich
    [/SIZE]

  • Thank you for your reply, specially when it's this long:)


    First of All, I use the word Poly Because I think its the right term? Someone please correct me if I'm wrong.


    Second, I love my girlfriend. And there are infinite possibilities. This I about emotion, not logic. Logic would state that I should have a wife and 2,3 children and a dog? Yes it is possible you miss someone while having a girlfriend. Congrats! That poly! (Or a shitty relationship, don't worry that's not it).


    And the Human rights committee? Well, let them focus on North Korea and let us live our life's. Bunch of...cookies.


    I also will look at "Big Love", sounds very interesting. Thank you for the suggestion.


    And the biggest problem we face is, instant judgement. I have even seen it on ukhippy. It truly is really hard not to judge someone, I would know. You could have called me Dredd and it would fit perfectly. Maybe that's the foundation of a lot of problems...


    Anyway I got to go to work, bills have to be paid!

  • Post by Maxal ().

    The post was deleted, no further information is available.

  • In that case I'm not being clear in what I say, because yes I understand Jeffrey's point too well, experiencing the same thing, though in a different way. Writing the above, I got wrapped up in other issues to do with ‘outsiders’, things that interest me and hopefully Jeffrey. That’s my style, I do go off on crazy tangents. The Mormon tangent, is because it is fascinating, and though I’d guess the Mormon religion is far from Jeffrey’s position, I think he will find Big Love enjoyable on the basic level of how one man gets on with more than one woman – and within a totally different context.

      
     In my final statement (in the last two paragraphs) I’m trying to say, ultimately, people need to be more accepting of others, then it’s easier to approach people. I hope it’s all taken in the nicest possible way – and I wish you well on your quest Jeffrey! :hippy:

  • So a little update for the ones who are interested. The girl we dated, turned out to have played us in order to get to my gf.
    She did not succeed in it, but we did fell for her.:wall: Ofcourse there was a fight and did not end well.


    But i guess there's a lesson here. Be carefull who you let in your "circle". I dunno im just heartbroken i guess. Wich is weird because i still have a girlfriend. A big yeey for new expriences:S