Unexpected grieving

  • The other day I was looking through some old items and found a reminder of my first ever real girlfriend -- the one I lost my virginity too. Anyway, being the investigative type that I am, I went and searched her on Facebook. No sign, and no sign of her sister either.


    I then used my ancestry.com account to look her up, and discovered she died 17 years ago - I couldn't be sure I had the right person, although cross-refererncing with her sister suggesting it was.


    So asked some old friends if they knew anything -- and a mutual friend surfaced and confirmed it; she died in 2000 from a morphine overdose after spending many years fighting heroin addiction - she was 32.


    Ironically, part of the failure in our relationship was my refusal to quit drugs - she left out of frustration, the break up sent me over the edge and a couple of years later I cleaned up my own act ... the last time I saw her she was just starting to use heroin and wearing her track marks like a badge of honour. :S


    We met when I was 16, we were only together for a year and I haven't seen her since I was 19 - it's strange how sad feelings of grief can surface after so many years :(

  • Really sorry to here this paul :( sending you lots of love

  • Yeh it's sad, we all know of friends who unexpectedly hit too much gear. Years ago it wouldn't be unheard of to leave the dead junkie where they fell. Everyone either scarpered or hurriedly used up the remaining gear in the house before calling in the death. I've known junkies go through the dead guys pockets to make sure nothing useful was handed in. Back in the 1980's Vets, doctors bags, and chemists were the order of the day. A plastic carrier bag full of stolen pharmaceuticals eagerly sifted through. Tuinal anyone?

  • Yeh it's sad, we all know of friends who unexpectedly hit too much gear. Years ago it wouldn't be unheard of to leave the dead junkie where they fell. Everyone either scarpered or hurriedly used up the remaining gear in the house before calling in the death. I've known junkies go through the dead guys pockets to make sure nothing useful was handed in. Back in the 1980's Vets, doctors bags, and chemists were the order of the day. A plastic carrier bag full of stolen pharmaceuticals eagerly sifted through. Tuinal anyone?

    Know that too well [emoji109]

  • How very sad and how sad for you too Paul to learn of it in this way.


    You do know however that this is only a thought and the thought has led to your emotion. All those years she was dead and you never knew and you never grieved and you never felt any guilt or any other emotion for that matter. This is not me being harsh, this is thinking about what our pal Eckart would say in a circumstance such as this.


    Feel sad, allow yourself some time to grieve and then move on. This is not a bus that you need to be catching right now. Written with love.

  • Its a very strange feeling. I found out a couple of years back that a girl I had been close to in my late teens died in an accident in her 30s.
    Being an ex biker losing friends in accidents has not been an uncommon experience for me but her story was different. She wasn't involved in the bike world. She tripped on one of her kids toys on the stairs at home and banged her head, simple as that. Went to bed with 'a bit of a headache' that night and next morning they couldn't wake her.


    I can't easily describe how weird it felt when I found out.

  • sorry Paul.
    i understand this feeling, earlier this year i found out that my first real boyfriend, who i lived with and we went out being stinky old travellers in a £35 caravan, had died about 2 yrs ago. I grieved for him as if i was there when it happened. he'd had heart failure and was found dead in the bath. indirectly caused by years of drug and alcohol abuse. i always knew it would either be that, or he'd have wrapped himself around a tree.


    grieve, but allow the happy memories to flood back in......

  • Aye exactly, it's an opportunity to remember some bright times too.
    Maybe take this opportunity to grieve, often we 'lose' people from our lives and have no way to close things in this way.
    There is at least one person I never settled things with before we had to get well away from each other, I find myself wanting to know sometimes where and how they are now...

  • It's your age Paul. A heightened awareness of your own mortality.

    You are clearly well aware that's it's downhill from here on in. As am I. You are realising that there is no going back. What's done is done & you have to live with the pain. Life isn't the fairytale you thought it would be & I'm right behind you when you say "Hey! Hold on a Minnie mo coz that fucking sucks!"

    I hear you Paul. I can't help you... but I hear you.

    Take whatever it is you've got left & look forward kid. Make it count.

  • Theres two persons i was very close to that i have tried to track down but cannot.Travellers travel,keep low profiles,change names.I also would be hard to locate for them too.A few have died months before i ever found out and i think i wish i could of said" hi,we had a good time i love you",Someone did track me down,a very lovely letter regretting not getting wed to me,ten years on...but sadly i couldnt remember him so let it go.We are older and more aware death is fast taking our old friends.How do you find anyone?Maybe its about closure or just realising its our last chance to say i love you before our earthwalk is over.Maybe we should have a "have you seen,do you know,thread with any info on private conversations?

  • It's your age Paul. A heightened awareness of your own mortality.

    You are clearly well aware that's it's downhill from here on in. As am I. You are realising that there is no going back. What's done is done & you have to live with the pain. Life isn't the fairytale you thought it would be & I'm right behind you when you say "Hey! Hold on a Minnie mo coz that fucking sucks!"

    I hear you Paul. I can't help you... but I hear you.

    Take whatever it is you've got left & look forward kid. Make it count.

    All downhill?:/ I dont take any notice of age,never have.Its not being in denial either,more a "Do I give a shit"?attitude! Its never all downhill unless you want it to be.