Amusing confessions - unburden yourself for our enjoyment...

  • Recently got an email from b3ta.com which brought back happy memories of their question of the week, to which i have contributed several stories over the years. That and a post in another thread got me thinking about stuff you'd maybe like to confess to.


    So, anyone have any amusing confessions that they would like to unburden themselves from for the amusement of others?


    I'll start. Years ago we used to have a manager. Lets call him Steve, and he was a first class twat, who was production based but somehow managed to find himself in charge of the engineers. I dont know whether its common knowledge, but there is always a rift between the two departments, mainly because of the amount that we get paid and the fact that if everything is running then we are sat around with nothing to do.


    So, when he got this position he tried cracking down on the department in various ways, one of which was the proposal to make a third of us redundant as we were obviously overmanned. A couple of us had decided that revenge of some sort was in order, even though it wasnt us that were for the chop. His office was a glass walled affair inside the main office of the factory, a busy ready meal production facility. This office for obvious reasons was known as the goldfish bowl and was never locked.


    One nightshift, one of the guys on shift took the night manager to show him a problem with some caustic pipework in the roof which we'd known about for a few days but were saving until we were ready. Office clear we moved in - back in the earlyish days of computing we had Compaq Digital PC5100 pc's which sported the latest Pentium one 200mhz processor. Crucially these were passively cooled, ie they had no fan just a big heatsink on top of the processor. The lid was also easily removeable, wasnt locked and was before the days of chassis intrusion detection in the BIOS.


    Thusly on top of the heatsink was obviously just the place to hide a plastic tray full of prawns from the boil in the bag prawn curry line, so the case was opened and the trap set. We thought ahead and also placed half a dozen decoy prawns in the plastic trim of his office chair.


    It was a few days before the smell really started, putting our shift all in the clear as we were on rest days. When we returned to work the smell in the main office was overpowering, Steve was forced to work on in his office with the door open and a fan blowing out the door. They had been through the office and found the decoy prawns, replaced the chair and assumed, as we had hoped that our plan had been foiled, and that the smell would disappear in a day or two.


    A few days later the office was ripped apart, even the trunking work for the sockets and ethernet was opened and checked. The smell now was so bad that everywhere Steve went he smelled of rotten prawns! Nothing was found so they got professional cleaners in over a weekend. Monday morning it smelt reasonable, everyone breathed a sigh of relief (and clean air), Steve came in at 8am with a smile (ish) on his face - all was well. Then he went into the office and turned his pc on to start work. A few minutes later the smell was back, no-one made the connection and a few people in the office were commenting that it was alright until Steve arrived, a double bonus!


    Sadly over the next few days the smell died away, the office was now locked at night so no further opportuninty, but Steve - you deserved it. You were, and probably still are, a c#nt of the first order.

    You can only accomplish your object in life by complete disregard of the opinions of other people.

    The post was edited 1 time, last by Rick69 ().

  • I worked at a garage with a bunch of greedy retards who always stole any chocolate or biscuits or any of my food from the fridge....so when I was leaving I arranged for one of the office girls to bring me a "leaving gift" in front of the other lads....a big box of home made chocolate chip macadamia nut cookies [emoji514]
    Unknown to the greedy gits I had made the cookies myself, using about six bars of ex-lax chocolate for the chocolate chunks!
    They mysteriously disappeared from the fridge before morning break....[emoji12][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]


    Revenge is sweet! [emoji90][emoji90][emoji90][emoji90][emoji90][emoji90][emoji90]

  • Around the year 2000 .. I was a cook in a Golf Club, working mainly along side the steward who was main cook but left me most of the time on my own.. Sundays people came for their lunch.. not a typical Sunday Dinner menu really, just the norm.. it was always the same people who came to the club and usually ordered same things.. hgggggggggggggggggggggggcdollllllllllllllllllllllllll (sorry that was Rory the cat!!!)


    Anyway.. there was this particular dish that was a firm favourite, forget what they called it, but basically it was a pork scallop, hammered a bit thinner and then breaded and deep fried (typically scottish I know lol)


    So the steward goes on holiday and leaves me in charge.. and Sunday comes round and the usual crowd come in and start to order their usual favourites.. one regular in particular always had the scallop. I cooked him his scallop and the rest of his party what they ordered and out the food went.. no sooner had it gone out, it came back.. it wasnt right.. so I did him another.. and that came back with instructions that he would like a burger instead.. he was clearly being a pain in the arse because steward was on holiday.


    So.. I says.. ok.. burger he can have.. cheese burger.. OOPS silly me.. I dropped it on the floor.. and as I went to pick it up, I kicked it accidently then stood on it.. then shoved it under the grill.. I was seething .. really angry and pissed off he was taking the piss when he had eaten plenty scallops off me before..


    Burger ready.. and just before I put cheese on and whack it back under grill or a moment.. I gather a huge amount of glut in the back of my throat and gobbed on the burger.. then grilled the cheese on top..


    I took it out to him personally and apologised that the scallops were not to his liking.. I stood in the doorway and watched him take a huge bite.


    I personally went back out to collect the dishes from the table and asked.. how was your burger? Delicious he said.. and I said ah thats great then.. turned my back and sniggered all way back to kitchen..


    I might add.. only time I ever did something like that as a cook.. !!!


  • [emoji13]

  • I once worked with a guy (boss's son) that was forever nicking my lunch , mostly sammichs and choccie bars . One morning he stole a sandwich containing cheese, cucumber and a handful of my freshly plucked chest hair .....


    I watched from the end of the garden as he went to my side of the van , then I saw him stagger to the hedge throwing up :) , telling him that the missus had made them that morning and I had told her to tidy up 'downstairs' as she was forever scratching at it actually made him start puking all over again :)


  • I'm disgusted. No person responsible for supplying preparing or surving food, should ever take it upon themselves to do that.
    To you he was pushing your buttons. It's part of the course for chefs, you should take it in your stride and rise above it. Especially with scallops of all things. They can be the nicest looking scallops, cooked by the best chef and still end up in the bin.
    I can't imagine what payback the universe has in store for you for that disgusting act.

  • Well AW.. if there was pay back to be had you can damn well sure I have had it tenfold..


    I'm disgusted. No person responsible for supplying preparing or surving food, should ever take it upon themselves to do that.
    To you he was pushing your buttons. It's part of the course for chefs, you should take it in your stride and rise above it. Especially with scallops of all things. They can be the nicest looking scallops, cooked by the best chef and still end up in the bin.
    I can't imagine what payback the universe has in store for you for that disgusting act.

  • As a kid their was a guy in are avenue who was a nightmare to all the kids..
    Used to call the police if we played football or any games in the street, stick a knife in football if it went in his garden..sure your gettimg the picture.
    Anyway all us kids found a old rope haha we said mr H
    Has greenhouse full of prize plants... so we sneeked in and tied said rope around his greenhouse and fastened to his car..
    I will leave it to you as to what happend in the morn when he drove off

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  • 'would be hard to cook for everyone on my single burner.. lol .. anyway.. your safe.. its highly unlikely I will be coming after giving it much thought.. still pondering it.. but well.. we will see


    Well, let's just say, we aren't asking ya to cook at a Dovedale! [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

  • I used to work in a train maintenance depot, we had a soft drinks machine on the shop floor, nobody used it because it wasn't plumbed in to the water mains just had a tank to be refilled as required, when the machine owners came to remove it the engineer gifted us 2 very large, unopened polythene bags of sugar, the guy that looked after our mess room put a bowl of said sugar on each table for us all to use, saying he had used very little doing this and that we would all have this for quite some time, the next day I noticed that the unopened bag had gone from the cupboard, after break had finished I returned to the empty mess room and checked the work bag of the stingiest, tight fisted, knobhead who worked there, sure enough there it was, lying flat on the bottom of his sports bag, I took out my Stanley knife and carefully lifted one end of the bag, slipped the knife under and slit the bag from one end to the other, then zipped the bag up again :reddevil:.
    The next day he came in face like thunder and blood red too, looking around the room trying to work out who had done it hahaha, I spoke to his mate later asking "what is up with Jimmy today mate?" he said he had got home, put his bag on the table, and proudly said to his missus "look what I got today" promptly lifting up and emptying the whole lot over the table, the floor and into his bag :angel: and just to cap it off his wife called him a gormless fucking twat. :whistle:

  • Na.. it was nice thinking about it but the more I thought about the more my brain went into meltdown ..


    You'll be OK ...it will do you good, once there you will enjoy, I'm sure of it! I'm shitting myself as I don't feel I 'fit in' anywhere...but I'm going...in the mostest unhippy car you can imagine!

  • In a vets I used to work in, one of the student nurses really loved baby birds. Someone had those cadburies mini eggs and we put a few in a nest and told her it had been left in by a member of the public. She took it home that night with instructions that she had to turn the eggs every two hours until they hatched.


    We put her out of her misery the next day but only cause she had put the nest under a heat lamp and the eggs had started melting :)

  • Many years ago and in a different life I was camping by a lake in the verdun , very depressed and perhaps more than a bit drunk, Lac St Croix I think it was, anyway, there was a forest fire somewhere nearby, so a fleet of Canadiar flying boats were coming in in formation scooping up the water and heading out. So for some bizarre reason I decided to swim to the centre of the lake in the hope they would scoop me up and drop me over the forest fire. First plane comes in long as usual, skims over my head, the next couple would normally drop into the water where I was, but obviously got a call from the first and went long too, then the police boat came and my drunken state seemed to vanish and I swam back to shore in record time and drove of in a hurry, I spent the rest of that day hiding down a track as I thought the police would be out trying to arrest me.


    I did feel foolish.

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  • Many years ago and in a different life I was camping by a lake in the verdun , very depressed and perhaps more than a bit drunk, Lac St Croix I think it was, anyway, there was a forest fire somewhere nearby, so a fleet of Canadiar flying boats were coming in in formation scooping up the water and heading out. So for some bizarre reason I decided to swim to the centre of the lake in the hope they would scoop me up and drop me over the forest fire. First plane comes in long as usual, skims over my head, the next couple would normally drop into the water where I was, but obviously got a call from the first and went long too, then the police boat came and my drunken state seemed to vanish and I swam back to shore in record time and drove of in a hurry, I spent the rest of that day hiding down a track as I thought the police would be out trying to arrest me.


    I did feel foolish.

    that experiment has been replicated on Myth busters, to see if it's possible. It turned out that the weight and size of the average adult couldn't be sucked up. However it would give a wicked Love bite.

  • Guilt is a terrible burden, but the banks are going under anyway, so I've just ordered one of these ...



    I'm pretty certain I don't actually need one, and I doubt I'll be using it as a speaker for my mobile phone, but I'm going to try one out on my way through Paris in a couple of weeks. I hope I don't regret it as well as feel guilty and the need to confess. It should be ready by next June. I suppose I could always sell off the TB303 I rarely use ...

  • I have a fair few confessions that could be made but are probably not amusing.

    Anyway one silly one, many years ago I phoned a girlfriend on her work number. When a female voice answered I said "Hi Big Tits" only to be met with an indignant "PARDON???" It wasn't her!

    So I hung up, never made any more pervy calls since

  • Many years ago I had to give a talk to a club. I wandered out with a sheet of paper onto the improvised stage, over to the mike. My mate, who was sitting in the front row, starting making vertical funny hand movements, like zipping something up.


    Being thick, and something of a young berk, I went to the front of the stage nearest him, and bent forward questioningly. He stood up. "Flies!" He said in a stage whisper. I looked around, puzzled. "Fugging flies!" He said, a bit louder.


    It suddenly dawned on me. I lowered the sheet of notes to a strategic level, apologised to the grinning audience that I had left some of my notes behind, and made a quick exit. He had been right, of course.


    I picked up a sheaf of notes that some earlier speaker had left, fanned them out a bit, and went out onto the stage again, which I think was one of the bravest things I ever did.:o

  • The butcher that I use slipped me a duff £1 coin in my change last week and I didn't notice until later. Had some excellent venison and cranberry sausage off him today and let him have it back along with another I was stuck with. Small victories :beard:

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