Feeling really trapped at moment in lots of ways. And as Dory happily chants.. I just keep swimming but starting to feel like am drowning.
I am not sitting maudlin on the continual woe is me. I actually thought, right.. this is MY life and I am the only one who can make changes. So I started looking at making changes.
Am bored, and I am lonely so I thought, come on CT, get your arse back out there, there must be a way. I thought, ok.. lets look at going back to work.. yeaaah.. that would solve the boredom and loneliness..
I can start on permitted work.. earn up to a certain amount and keep my benefits for a year.. yaaaay moocho richo.. at least for a year, but thinking beyond that year, regardless of whether or not I could keep up with simple 15 hours a week (cant do 16 on this permitted work) and did online calculations and after a year I would be better off by 18 quid a week .. and, according to the online calculator, that didnt include any council tax benefit and I am assuming that would be paid in full.. so say bye bye to my better off 18 quid..
Then I look at how my life is at moment financially and how I am struggling and I ask myself.. would I put my body & mind through the wringer for basically how my life stands now.. yeah it could be a good thing, it has its positives, but isnt going back out to work meant to have advantages of a financial nature. If it were a business transaction and I ran my life like a business, it wouldnt be a very safe bet, would it, you wouldnt risk your business by taking that plunge.. ?
I looked to moving, staying locally, because now my mum is closer to me, I dont have freedom really to fuck off where I want, she needs me and I feel obliged to stay close.
There is one property possible to swap to but that means leaving behind where I am comfortable and feel secure. Its familiar, my neighbours are familiar and I ride off neighbours wifi (with permission) so if I move, thats another expense in getting a phone and bband, plus the expense of moving etc, redoing up the flat.. will I like living in a gf flat, how will my animals adapt? What will the neighbours be like? Can I actually afford to move anyway?
I have looked at all my options and come up with many feesable reasons why a move or going back to work would be bad for me.. I just feel stuck.. really stuck
I do craft, but at moment and for some time I have just not had the mind for it and it is a way to make extra spends . my hearts not in it anymore, it just means I am stuck in the house adding to the whole mix.
They want us back out to work, am willing to give it a go.. but why put your body and mind through the ringer when the stress can make you worse?
Sorry I just need to get this off my chest.. am getting angrier and angrier.. it just pisses me off ..
I will just keep swimming swimming swimming.. someone through me a life jacket ta