The gold fish bowl that is my life

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  • Feeling really trapped at moment in lots of ways. And as Dory happily chants.. I just keep swimming but starting to feel like am drowning.


    I am not sitting maudlin on the continual woe is me. I actually thought, right.. this is MY life and I am the only one who can make changes. So I started looking at making changes.


    Am bored, and I am lonely so I thought, come on CT, get your arse back out there, there must be a way. I thought, ok.. lets look at going back to work.. yeaaah.. that would solve the boredom and loneliness..


    I can start on permitted work.. earn up to a certain amount and keep my benefits for a year.. yaaaay moocho richo.. at least for a year, but thinking beyond that year, regardless of whether or not I could keep up with simple 15 hours a week (cant do 16 on this permitted work) and did online calculations and after a year I would be better off by 18 quid a week .. and, according to the online calculator, that didnt include any council tax benefit and I am assuming that would be paid in full.. so say bye bye to my better off 18 quid..


    Then I look at how my life is at moment financially and how I am struggling and I ask myself.. would I put my body & mind through the wringer for basically how my life stands now.. yeah it could be a good thing, it has its positives, but isnt going back out to work meant to have advantages of a financial nature. If it were a business transaction and I ran my life like a business, it wouldnt be a very safe bet, would it, you wouldnt risk your business by taking that plunge.. ?


    I looked to moving, staying locally, because now my mum is closer to me, I dont have freedom really to fuck off where I want, she needs me and I feel obliged to stay close.


    There is one property possible to swap to but that means leaving behind where I am comfortable and feel secure. Its familiar, my neighbours are familiar and I ride off neighbours wifi (with permission) so if I move, thats another expense in getting a phone and bband, plus the expense of moving etc, redoing up the flat.. will I like living in a gf flat, how will my animals adapt? What will the neighbours be like? Can I actually afford to move anyway?


    I have looked at all my options and come up with many feesable reasons why a move or going back to work would be bad for me.. I just feel stuck.. really stuck


    I do craft, but at moment and for some time I have just not had the mind for it and it is a way to make extra spends . my hearts not in it anymore, it just means I am stuck in the house adding to the whole mix.


    They want us back out to work, am willing to give it a go.. but why put your body and mind through the ringer when the stress can make you worse?


    Sorry I just need to get this off my chest.. am getting angrier and angrier.. it just pisses me off ..


    I will just keep swimming swimming swimming.. someone through me a life jacket ta :)

  • You are not alone and that's the first thing to get fixed in your mind. Everybody feels like this at some time, different stories but its very normal.
    When you get like that you get tunnel vision and it all comes in on top of you. I'm no expert but keep talking to us

  • Reminds me of a Pink Floyd song somewhere in your post. I have empathy for you after going through quite a tough few yeas before actually prioritising what was right for me. There were a few rebellions about it but in the end people came to accept my own choices.
    You are right - only you can make changes, after all how can someone else know what is right for you.

    Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up on your dreams and ideals, wrinkles the soul.

  • I feel like this as well. I run my own business and although my accountant constantly reminds me that we should be claiming working tax credits etc we are not receiving any benefits. There are many reasons why I choose not to claim these benefits and I wont go into them now.


    I occurred to me the other day that when we retire we will get a pay rise. We earn less than we would on state pension!


    This is why I have decided to try and do something about it. As you said "you are the only one who can change things"


    Our situation is entirely our own fault and I do not blame anyone. Money -until recently- has never been a great motivator for me. I work when we are skint and tend to slack off when we have a little money in the bank. I have decided to make some changes in 2017 so that we are never skint again.


    Christmas is always a bad time as we usually end up with at least two weeks where no money comes in at all. This Christmas we went into that period with about £90 to our name. I have vowed never to be in that position again.


    We have set out a plan to increase our financial security which includes:- Saving money, not spending money, optimising our existing business and building new businesses.


    I am going to chart our progress in a blog


    Paul

  • Firstly Big Mahoosive (((Hugggs))) Of Love Chained Thistle And I Be Sorry To See And Hear You Are Feeling This Way And So I Send To My Love And Light To You Too In The Hope That You May Feel A Little Lighter And Brighter This New Born Day And Along The Way xx


    Sadly I Think Sometimes Be We All Get And Feel Like This Sometimes.For Whatever Reasons They Be....And That And Those Feeling Snowballs As It Gets Bigger And Bigger As We Add More Feelings And More Feelings To It Along The Way.


    It Is Good To Talk About It And Let Out Your Feelings Of How You Be Feeling And Yes Even Shout Rant Screammm It Out If Needing Be Too ...As Even Just Talking And Sharing Your Feelings Makes Some Of The Snowball Crumble Off As It Rolls Along.
    And It Be Times Like This That We Also Be Tending To Think And Think And Over Think Making Our Feelings Seem Bigger And Bigger And Deeper And Deeper ...


    So The Only Things Be I Can Say That May Help You Some Or Little I Hope ...Is To STOP Thinking And Thinking About It Even Though Its Hard Not Too Because It Just Drags Your Spirit Down Deeper And Deeper....Take Things Day By Day And So Be Just Dealing With One Day By Day...And Each New Born Day As That...Simply A New Day...And Leave All Last Days Thoughts And Bad Sad Things Behind And Treat Each Day As New Start New Beginnings Etc...
    Because You Be Writing Off And Finishing Your Journey And Life Before It Has Even Started Each New Born Day
    And Maybe Go For Walk With Nature...Listen To Some Fav Music ..Read Some Books You Enjoy Etc To Try To Break Your Chain Of Sadness Thoughts And Thoughts Of Negative Bad Things And Surround Yourself With Things That You Love And Enjoy And Try To Let Go Of The Bad Little By Little Even Though Yes It Be Hard As Its Sooo Sooo Easy To Hold Onto The Bad And Sad In Our Lifes And Hard To Hold Onto The Love And Happiness And Good Vibe Times And Good Things And Happy Memories No Matter How Small In Our Lifes ...And Try To Focus And Hold And Surround Yourself With Them And Those Things And Thoughts...
    And Deal And Live As Say
    One Day At A Time ...One Thought At A Time And Sort Out One Thing At A Time ....Rather Than Flood And Be Overloading All The Sad And Bad And Making It All Bigger And Bigger And Bigger ....Because Little By Little Will Break And Melt Your Snowball That Is Crushing Through Your Heart Mind Body Spirit And Life.
    I Wish You Love Peace Happiness And Healing Chained Thistle And Hope You Feel Better Brighter Happy You Soon xxxx

  • Hi CT. Yup, I'm hearing ya.
    So, I believe that work is good for us, we all need something to do and often need a bit of pressure on us to do it. But what a lot of people don't understand is that going to work actually costs quite a lot of the income we get from it.
    So, how about some volunteering work. Far less stress because it doesn't affect the benefits with hours that suit you. Also it gets the benefits office off your back because they're trying to encourage this kinda thing.
    But having said that, maybe you don't need solutions right now, maybe you just wanna be heard, so, I'm hearing ya. Big big virtual hugs from me😀

  • Thank you all for your words.. I will try to reply to all in this one post..


    Van life.. if only, but I think if I am to be realistic, with my health condition, a dog and two cats, I need to stay concreted in. But I yearn for smaller, cheaper, easier quite alot. I dont care if its a shack or a wee but n ben .. log burner, blah blah.. get the picture? Sadly social housing dont offer that and I would be silly in this day and age to give up being in the social housing sector.. its like rocking horse poop these days! I am in a two bed.. its starting to after a year of my daughter being away to feel a bit too big, but only thing on offer is a one bed gf flat which is a little farther out of town.. at least here I am within walking distance should my car give up the ghost!


    I looked into volunteering again. What is available round here just doesnt call to me. I have done charity shop work, but sitting at a till for a few hours is boring and not mentally stimulating enough and you are often hard pushed to get to do anything more dramatic. I looked into volunteering with the homeless, which I have done before when I lived in MK but that would mean a commute to Exeter and on doing some research, the homeless charity is saying on their website they dont need volunteers at the moment and there is a long waiting list.. and ofcourse you have to consider travel costs for out of town and parking etc, not all give you these back.


    Danaan I know what your saying .. I get you completely, I have been out on a walk this morning with my walkaclock gang for first time in a while as Noodles been in season and it was refreshing and lovely. You have suggested some lovely things, but I need to get out the house and mix with people and find that balance so I am happy to be home alone.. if that makes sense :)


    Aman.. I guess you could say I am in the same boat financially and having to be aware of how much I have left, so I hear ya, and it takes planning and a good deal of being able to ask yourself, do I need it, can I live without it.. even down to food.. the diet I have done this last year has made me more portion aware and where as I would easily gub a whole pack of chicken fillets I now make them do two meals. Small changes make a difference and each day I dont need to spend money or take any out of hole in the wall is even a small celebration lol :)


    All in all.. I know what is good for me and I guess after 10 yrs away from it all am a bit scared to be truthful. Scared of taking the leap, scared of failing.


    But am sure once this time of year slowly passes, things will brighten.. and yes I must stop over thinking it. Its difficult though when you have to live your life on a continual risk assessment process..


    Thanks again folks :) much appreciated :)

  • Walking is only option for me.. gym and swimming uses up some much needed body energy that I use for everyday stuff.. I went swimming once and ended up three hours sleeping on sofa.. would rather use that energy for something while awake lol


  • What craft do you do?can you not with more planning,or if a common craft,join a group?if its common you may get people offering you resources of their left overstuff,ie end of balls of wool(may not be wool but, well you get the idea)them meeting people again and maybe start your own mini eenterprise..i know money is a major issue in this type of thing..iv been waiting months to start with my glass due to lack of funds for essentials,to earn from it,vicious circle thing,lol..and yes,getting out is a must...also the working thing for minimal gain,altho it gets you out,gives you a sense of self and confidence..only you know if your physical comfort is worth it...good luck with it all but it will get better and something will come along in probably the most surprising form xx

  • A little update. I not been totally idle today. I did a shout out on local notice board on FB for what volunteer opportunities there were other than charity shops. Someone messaged me from here ...


    http://monktonwyldcourt.co.uk/


    So I think I am going to message the volunteer co-ordinator..


    has anyone heard of this place?

  • I do feel for you, CT. I've looked into/tried to go back to work so many times (although in my case it's my son with the health care problems, not myself) and it's very difficult if you have any kind of restriction in your life. The system is very inflexible, I find, plus the benefit system moves so slowly if your paid income drops it takes a long time for the benefit changes to catch up and when you're on a tight budget that makes things difficult.


    Is any kind of college course possible? I don't know how all the funding works now but I wondered if there might be something you could do, just to stretch your mind a bit and meet some new people? Your living situation (in terms of area) sounds good and you're right to keep to social housing, I think. Private renting is so insecure in comparision. A one bed might come up that's more suitable than the one that's currently on offer.


    Have you ever been on the Money Saving Expert website? I found their income and families section really good for maximising what comes in and minimising what goes out so it might be worth a look on there if you haven't already. They also have a section about work you can do from home that might have something in it you could try? I did have a go at doing surveys; I think you have to be quite dedicated to make any money doing it (and I'm not!) but they had lots of other suggestions and there might be something there that sparks an idea for you.


    Re Monkton Wyld, I've never been but have wanted to for years and a friend went for a holiday there with her sons a few years back and loved it. You never know you might find communal living starts to appeal to you?


    Keeping fingers crossed that something changes for you. I've felt very stuck for years and it is hard to dig yourself out. x

  • CT,regarding the 'permitted work'. If you are claiming ESA,and you do take part in 'permitted work',then at the end of your year,the DWP may not allow you to claim your ESA.They will argue that by working for a year you are clearly capable of working so don't need any ESA. Might be best to chat with some benefit adviser ( NOT DWP ),to get a better picture. ATB.

  • But it does.. its classed as an income Bernie.. This was one of the options given when the BTax first came in force.. My daughter had to move out because what I needed from her was more than what she could get elsewhere.. they took her income into consideration.. they say there are options.. but it would be classed as an income.. and anyway.. I have two cats and a dog, hairs everywhere an a health condition .. I dont like bathing or peeing etc with bathroom door closed shut.. and being forgetful.. welll it could lead to alsorts.. anways, they would prob get right on my tits!!


    Have you thought about taking in a lodger? It doesn't affect your benefits apparantly


    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/new…rent-out-spare-rooms.html

  • I don't know any more than what I read in the article


    Currently, benefit claimants must declare income from lodgers. This can affect their entitlement to housing benefit, jobseeker’s allowance and income support. However, from October, tenants will be able to keep rent and retain full entitlement to any benefit, after ministers amended what counts as income in draft regulations for universal credit.

    but that seems pretty clear to me. Maybe you should rattle the cage a bit

  • I think that is relating to universal Credit.. tbh though am not sure I want a stranger in my house..


    I don't know any more than what I read in the article


    Currently, benefit claimants must declare income from lodgers. This can affect their entitlement to housing benefit, jobseeker’s allowance and income support. However, from October, tenants will be able to keep rent and retain full entitlement to any benefit, after ministers amended what counts as income in draft regulations for universal credit.

    but that seems pretty clear to me. Maybe you should rattle the cage a bit

  • That artical Bernie is almost four years old.. this was all the patter they came out with to try to make things a little better and soften the blow but in reality, it was never going to be as easy as reported.. :(

  • I did work for age concern voluntarily whilst on benefits and the dhss told me there is a limit to permitted hours and "if you can do voluntary you can do paid work",they must know all voluntary hours and it does not stop the harassment by the dss.It is good experience though,good references and you are helping a lonely person.I have made some lovely friendships this way.

    Hi CT. Yup, I'm hearing ya.
    So, I believe that work is good for us, we all need something to do and often need a bit of pressure on us to do it. But what a lot of people don't understand is that going to work actually costs quite a lot of the income we get from it.
    So, how about some volunteering work. Far less stress because it doesn't affect the benefits with hours that suit you. Also it gets the benefits office off your back because they're trying to encourage this kinda thing.
    But having said that, maybe you don't need solutions right now, maybe you just wanna be heard, so, I'm hearing ya. Big big virtual hugs from me

  • what about school jobs?Term time only...they dont hassel you so much in the school hols.I had a job down south taking kids to school then back home again after with the local council.Slept in the day between shifts and was able still to care for my mum and my animals.Pay was low but i was treated better working for the council and they gave me uniform and steel toecap boots as was wheelchairs too.they also paid for my DBS certificate.I met loads of nice people,was sat on my ass on a bus mostly,saw a lot of countryside and the kids made me glad i had what i did.:)Ha ha I did have a go at school cook for a bit but near killed me.They are like endurance cooks in those school kitchens.I only lasted 5 weeks doing that.:D