What I would like...I think...

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  • Trying to decide whether its a need or a *would like*.

    Lived a long long time alone so deep down I know I can cope without the need for man in life and always borrowed someone elses should I need a manly thing doing - like putting up shelves (not something I like doing lol).

    I keep getting this yearning. I see on tv, or out about, these old couples.. ones that have been together for an awful long time and they are probably well past the heavy intimacy part of their relationships, but they are like two gloves that fit. They know each other inside out, finish sentences, and they look after each other and go about their business like two well oiled wheels working together.

    Sadly am a bit too old now to even dream of such a long term prospect like those I see on tv, but its something I would like as I grow older.

    I was really down one day and someone on here messaged me and I poured it all out to him and I felt so upset that because I have very little libido due to meds that I didnt think any man would ever want me again and he gave me a male perspective and told me that not all men at around my age want a heavy sexual relationship and it gave me a little hope and lifted my heavy heart.

    I also got talking to someone and I kinda quite liked him and he even made me smile and gave me a wee flutter, not something I had felt in a long long time and I got a little excited at a possible prospect - until a sexual connotation and my flutter flopped :( it just put me off.. why cant men talk to me without such mentions??

    I am a good cook, I care, I like to please, I am faithful, honest, genuine, loyal etc etc etc perhaps a bit old fashioned and would just like to meet someone who wants to live out the rest of their days in a happy and simple way.. life is getting harder as I get older and I think sometimes the battle is best fought in pairs..

    19 years next month since I left my husband.. a few ships and encounters in that time.. but nothing stuck..

    I dont want to die never having known what its like to feel truly loved ..........

    Edited to say that this thread did not type out as I had planned in my head!!

  • Friend of mine was talking to a friend of hers a while back about something similar apparently, I didn't press for details but there are sites for asexual dating where sex is not the reason people get together.

    i googled "asexual dating" and there are several options if that helps.

  • How best to reply to your post, the thoughts we have about ourselves and our lives impacts
    the life we actually have. You sound as though you are feeling lonely and maybe thinking
    that a man might improve your life, which probably would be the case, but first you have to
    work on you, make the best life you can for yourself and all else will follow. We don't realise
    but our thought patterns control everything all aspects of our lives, if we think negatively about
    ourselves that is what we get, turning things around to only think positively about ourselves takes
    work, but it can be achieved, then you would be amazed what directions your life would go in and
    the new opportunities that would open up for you plus the new and interesting people that would
    enter your life.

    You mentioned on another post about a spell you preformed and how it made you feel more positive
    and that you felt differently, you have to find ways of feeling like that everyday, when we feel good
    about ourselves and positive it shows to the outside world and people are attracted to us, your health
    problems do not define you or who you are, find your strengths and show them to the world.

    As for men, most men do think with there dicks, sorry but it is true and they just can't help themselves
    bringing sex into everything, so the person that you were talking to was probably just a bit nervous and
    the sexual connotation just slipped out, you are a beautiful vivacious woman and you deserved to love
    and be loved never forget that, change your thoughts and see what happens.........:):heart:

  • Some wise words there from Dolly.

    Could you be feeling lonely due to your daughter leaving? I'm sure a partner would help but after so long you might find it annoying to have someone in your house. Though certainly a few dates here and there is sure to cheer you up. You may also find that given time and gentle comfort your libido returns, it may be a lack of interest as much as the meds, I wouldn't rule it out entirely.

  • I dont feel lonely because she has left.. I think I feel a gap.. my role as mother has changed and her need of me is gone in many ways.. but at the same time I dont want or need a *needy* man.. when I say needy, I mean the type who wants a replacement mother.. my mothering days are over, its time for me now..

    My world sadly often starts and stops at the keyboard and opportunities and abilities specially in the winter are hard to come by.. by summer time things get easier.. I am in less pain and more mobile as long as it does not stay too damp..

    Hate to sound picky too.. and I am really open to meeting blokes and giving anyone a go because I have learned that quite often it can take a while to see someones real worth and beauty as it slowly starts to shine the more you get to know them, but I am no where near ready for the full on committed relationship.. I need my own space and they need to have their own space etc too.. would rather look forward to missing them if that make sense ..

    F'Onion - funny you should say about the gentle comfort thing..that crossed my mind .. and I joined a site.. had a look, spoke to one particular guy with a view to *having a go* to see .. but he started getting cagey about Sat and Sun nights although professed to being single and that just made me remember what it was all like before.. I had no long term intentions with this bloke but it irks me that men lie.. and I wont get involved in that side of things.. also.. these sites are full on in your face filth (as my mum calls it lol) and I am a very cerebral kinda gal.. intelligence and conversation turns me on, at least it used to.. anyway I kinda binned that idea and thought better of it .. :)

  • Thank you for your wise words DB - they make perfect sense.. and the last few years I have done exactly that and thought if I am going to meet someone then it can just be when it happens in my normal daily life.. but sadly that has not worked either.. yet anyway lol.. but I agree with what you say.. I need to make a certain amount of concerted effort .. and that starts with my hair.. nervously am going to take the plunge very soon to have it cut.. as someone said to me not that long ago.. sometimes when a woman gets to a certain age, long hair no longer suits.. so its getting a little bit of a chop lol


  • I don't know the site you mean but it's probably just for no strings fun, if you want a relationship there are better places, someone mentioned one here a few days ago that I had a quick look at but I don't remember the name. Perhaps a search with some interests might list some relevant ones?

    I don't know anything about you, how mobile or independent you are, but have you considered going to a warmer climate at least for the winter. I know you can lose housing benefit if you're away for too long but if it helps you might be better off renting somewhere shorter term in the uk or just staying with friends when you return. Sorry, I know that's off topic.

  • FO .. yeah it was a no strings site.. at my time of thinking that is what I intended, just wanted to see if I got a spark with being with someone.. ha, I would love to bugger off a while, but sadly thats out question.. I need certain meds and I inject daily with heparin.. and you only get a months supply from doc.. then there is possibility of my disability being put into question.. welfare reform and all that.. you cant even shit these days and you can loose your benefit.. tough times .. locked in with that .. !!

  • Thank you for your wise words DB - they make perfect sense.. and the last few years I have done exactly that and thought if I am going to meet someone then it can just be when it happens in my normal daily life.. but sadly that has not worked either.. yet anyway lol.. but I agree with what you say.. I need to make a certain amount of concerted effort .. and that starts with my hair.. nervously am going to take the plunge very soon to have it cut.. as someone said to me not that long ago.. sometimes when a woman gets to a certain age, long hair no longer suits.. so its getting a little bit of a chop lol


    That's right Girl reinvent yourself :)

  • This is a fascinating post and it stirs up some thoughts that I don't know will make any sense. I want to reply, but don't know how much if anything it will add to the thread.

    Firstly, Chained Thistle, your message sounds very sad. I wonder if you feel as sad as you sound? I don't mean this in a more modern (and derogatory) sense of the word. I'm old enough to be able to use the word, "sad", as we used it fifty years ago. May I add something from a male perspective?

    Companionship is a wonderful thing and I would take this over any other kind of relationship were I forced to make a choice. However, I am glad I don't have to make that choice, because a relationship is enriched through enjoying many styles of intimacy. Those couples you have observed have often earned that less actively sexual companionship through many years together. I doubt their relationships have been all plain sailing. The storms we all experience shape us. Sometimes we survive them with the relationships intact, sometimes they become a bit dented and sometimes we just have to disentangle ourselves from a relationship order to be able to survive at all.

    As a man I feel bound to comment on dollybassett's assertion that most of us think with our dicks. It may appear like that, but I believe the process is far more subtle, even if there are times when we seem to want the ground rules to shift very suddenly (I may end up diverting into more detail about this at the risk of derailing your thread completely). I'm not talking about the times people may go out on the prowl looking for a quick shag. Ultimately, that kind of satisfaction is attained by rubbing until the desire is abated. That we can manage alone although it is quite different and traditionally more fun when we share the pleasure. No, what I mean is that sexual intimacy for me (and I am guessing for at least some other men too) is a kind of cement that helps hold the relationship together. That certainly doesn't make it the whole structure. My experience of sexual desire in a loving relationship is less of a need to "get" sex, but far more of a need to "give" myself to my lover. Over time I have learned to trust and know my partner enough to understand that he feels the same and will happily help me achieve the peace that comes after an orgasm. As we have grown older we have realised that it doesn't have to be mutual and in the same time frame and we both derive great satisfaction from giving priority to the other's needs. I suspect this kind of confidence in the quality of the relationship may not have been present in the early stages of the relationship or had we met each other when we were younger.

    I think desire is fed by the senses. Novelty is exciting. Being with someone new arouses curiosity. We explore through looking, listening, touching, smelling and tasting. In the first stages of a relationship looking and listening may be enough, but at some point that curiosity may demand that we explore further. I don't think any sexual encounter I have had with a new person has ever had intercourse as an initial destination. For me it has always been a case of one thing leading to another and it really is that biblical form of "knowing" someone, (which for me is one step at a time). The first man for whom I was ever able to acknowledge that the feelings I had were actually "love" didn't know it, but he taught me a lesson. After spending an evening in a local pub talking and sharing stories and ideas I drove him home (simple decision, I had never tried alcohol and wasn't moved to try it then). Just before we arrived at his village I pulled over. I was overcome with a desire to kiss him. I didn't want anything more than that and it felt that it was now or never. I asked, he said, "Yes" and the kiss was beautiful, but things went from 0-60 very, very quickly and I was left wondering what the hell just happened?

    The concept that "men think with their dicks" is a convenient simplification that fails to acknowledge the processes that lead to a man reaching the stage of curiosity-induced single-mindedness. I suppose it is conceivably possible that with some men this can happen in the time it takes to walk across the room. I would like to think that most men have more regard for the person they see as someone to get to know better than to initiate unwanted physical contact too soon, but I suspect that many social constraints to this have been lowered in recent decades. We hippies have played a part in this since the 60s, I am sure.

    I don't know if and how this relates to women. Perhaps it is generally a different experience? I do know it can have bad consequences. Someone very close to me was raped by a fellow student. I cannot excuse his behaviour and would like to see him fully prosecuted for his selfish crime, but he did not listen to, "NO", somehow thinking that he knew better. His arrogance has had devastating consequences. He was shocked when he had to face up to what he'd done and explain his actions to the police, but the consequences for his victim have been truly awful and are ongoing. I guess many men are prospectors and try their luck? I am pretty certain we don't teach our sons enough about respect, empathy and restraint. With great power comes great responsibility and the sexual urge is a very powerful force. I have been on the receiving end of unwanted attention from other men and I have turned down many advances, even in recent years. I know that some men are irritatingly persistent, but thankfully I've found they usually get the message in the end.

    So, after all this waffle, Chained Thistle, I can see that there could come a time when my partner and I are content to bask in each other's company and finish each other's sentences. In the meantime we'll continue to love, share with and support each other in a variety of ways. As some people know we are actually separated by about 700 miles much of the time and get to be together for about three or four months over the course of each year. We have been together monogamously for nearly thirteen years and another part of our "cement" is that we make a point of keeping in touch with each other, spending time together online or through messaging nearly every day. When we get together there is always so much catching up to do and our lives apart and together are very full and very rich. We always have a lot to share. I hope you find what you want, I really do. A worthwhile relationship rarely seems to fall off the tree and land at our feet. I feel like one of the lucky ones, but when I think about it we have put in a lot of work and commitment. It has never felt like that much of an effort though.

    Just a thought, off-kilter, but a thought nonetheless. My partner has had a close friendship with a woman for over thirty years. They met as dancers and have been dancing partners most of the time since then. The walls of her apartment are filled with beautiful photographs of the two of them in various productions and shows. She once entertained the hope that they could become lovers, but that never happened and she appreciates and understands why. When I came into the picture things could have become very difficult for us all, and at first I think they were, but I accept that he has a friendship that is important to them both (specially for her, since she doesn't appear to have any other friends) and I try to accept he needs to have some space for that to happen. He does what he can when she needs help and support and sadly her life has been filled with personal tragedy recently. It is one aspect of his extremely loyal character of which I am also a clear beneficiary. Weirdly, this Christmas, the family were referring to the three of us as "Les Savoyards". I have been able to count her among my friends for a while, but I hadn't realised we might have been thought of as a unit of three! I, in turn, have a dear friend from my own college days and I happened to be in the area and went to visit her last evening. She lost her husband decades ago through cancer and now she is facing her own recent cancer diagnosis. We sat on the sofa under soft blankets and laughed and talked and cried a little. I can't see that I shall ever contemplate a sexual relationship with her, but I love her to bits anyway. Maybe the shortcut you are seeking to a "post-mature" relationship is undermined by searching just the straight world? Some of us gays can be quite good at putting up shelves too ;)

    Best wishes to you and I, for one, appreciate your thread and the prompt it has given me to think about some of the important things in my own life. I hope I haven't strayed too far from the discussion and I apologise if I sound too bumptious or complacent :o

  • Beautiful post Marshlander xx

  • Marshlander what a wonderful thing to write.. and to share.. it was actually quite beautiful reading what another man thinks, but even more beautiful that a gay man has written what he thinks and has shared so much of himself in one fell swoop :)

    Thank You

    Am not sad, am not particularly lonely alot of the time.. I guess I just feel something or someone is missing ..

    You see, when my daughter was younger, she would kick up such a stink about me going out with or seeing other men.. I kept it to when she went to visit her father mostly but the constant nagging or her sulky *am not entertaining him* attitude just got too much in the end and I gave up.. all I wanted was to be happier knowing full well she would be gone one day and I didnt want to be left on my own.. I needed and tried to secure my own future.. and failed and gave in..

    She got her first serious relationship when she was just 15.. and I saw her all giggly and happy. I said to her.. its a nice feeling isnt it? She said yeah.. I said.. you know what babs.. that feeling dont change whether your 15 or 55 .. and left it at that..

    So because I gave in.. which I am quite angry at myself for not putting my foot down enough.. am alone and she has gone.. but I put her first.. as I suppose any mother or father should really and it has been one of the biggest sacrifices I regret..

    thats it really.. and now I feel too old and past it to even lure in a unsuspecting victim lol