For the last couple of years I have slowly come to realise that I have nothing to offer the 21st century modern life and its workings.
I am poor therefore I cannot participate in the economy much. I have no disposable income to splash out on unnecessary rubbish and what little bit I do have spare, goes on what I need. That could be anything from new shoes, to chocolate. After all... chocolate is a must .. sometimes
Shoes? During a college course a few years ago, a guy in the class made a comment to one of the female class members after she was talking about how many pairs of shoes she had and how she loved them. He asked her why? Why do you have so many pairs of shoes. You can only wear one pair at a time. It has stuck with me since.
Sorry that thought just walked away .. anyway.. what am trying to say is I dont want the 21st century clutter in my life. I dont conform to how we are expected to be. I cant, its not possible. My body and mind is pretty much half cocked to what it used to be. I couldnt keep up and I would start to feel like am drowning in trying. So where is my place on earth? What is my place on earth?
A film that stuck with me was Avatar. The message it sent and I feel like that is what is happening, but not on another planet (yet) but our own Mother Earth. Money.. there is no going back now is there.. earth depends on money, or at least the people of earth depend on money and old simpler, natural and better ways are railroaded because its not productive and quick enough. Is it possible to go back to living through a good turn for a good turn, a fair trade.
I dont get envious of those who have it all. Perhaps I get a little envious of the freedom they maybe have from worry, but then the more you have the more you worry about and the more you have to loose. A lottery win would be fantastic, oooh just think of that money.. but even then, what a huge responsibility that would be, well for me anyway, because I am not materialistic .. which I think makes me one of the lucky ones. It means I adapted to austerity and being poor much easier than say my old college classmate who loved her shoes so much. I dont feel agrieved. Perhaps I sometimes feel a little *pompous* and feel a little superior if thats the right way to describe it.. I am far richer in so many ways.. ones that I think that matter.... However, I have to say, a windfall enough to fashion myself a nice vehicle to bugger off in .. thats totally different :p
I could go on and on but I feel I may get myself in an angry kinda stew as I delve deeper in to what I dislike about the world today.. but thats the crux of it..
So, why does this make me feel odd? It shouldnt .. should it?