Permission to fall apart for a little while please, captain? The little dark and twisty bit of me has exploded puffer fish style and i really, really, need to just let it for a little while, and that be ok. i'll be strong and awesome and all that again soon, just not tonight, tonight i need to allow that hurt out and cry and be so so so angry.
self protection perhaps, i dunno, but tonights relativley benign events have caused a horrible response in me, and i wonder if i have some kind of PTSD because even i know the huge emotions that were stirred up were not a logical or rational response, (anger, hurt, pain, vulnerability, fight or flight) its happened before, i have 'triggers' that just cause me to descend right back into the trauma of my ex husbands descent into madness, the subsequent years of psychological manipulation and trauma and his eventual suicide. it diesnt take much from certain people and i am right back in the thick of it, sometimes its controllable, other times not.
It makes me feel like a messed up freak.( i dotn see myself that way apart from at these times, im pretty happy with most of me:)) i think its the echoes of that whole experience thats making me feel that way, its like i see confirmation that i'm making more of it than i should even when its not there, i just dont know if this is normal considering the psychological torment of the whole sequence of events. this wasnt a quick thing, it was dragged out over years and a big part of it was a lot of manipulation of me, trying to make me feel like i was wrong, or just too emotional, or weak or that i was the one who was mentally ill or just a shitty human being really. so when it happens and i go back there i doubt my own validity, and am ridiculously hurt if i dont feel validated by other people close to me whilst im going through it. thats realisation came tonight and makes a lot of sense, if im mentally back years ago,no wonder i find it really hard that other people dont understand how huge it feels, or are shocked by how strongly i react, cos when it was all happeneing it was such a confused mess, and history repeats....
We survived and im so proud of myself and my family for coming through it all but there was damage, it hasn't all gone away just because we dont talk about it much. there was sooo much talking about it, so much, trying to reason it all out and debrief it and make it make sense, and it helped a lot, it did, but there is a limit that was reached, the last and hardest bits, the bits that could not make sense because they were coloured by insanity, caused by insanity, they dug in and made a dark and twisty place inside me that makes me feel sick. i dont want to have to deal with any more fallout from that mans effects, i want it gone, i want to be free of it, i dont want any bit of my head left in which he won but i have no idea what could help, councelling i just dont believe will work, i cant help it, so much talking already, it cant change what happened, these arnt thoughts that are grabbing my by the metaphorical balls, they are instinctual feelings and they scare the crap out of me. methinks this is beyond me to heal myself, and giving it time is just not doing the trick.
any ideas? urgh help.