I hate it (Eli's birth :-()

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  • I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate that I think about it for at least 20 hours a day. I hate that I cry about it everyday. I hate that every time he cries and I can't figure out what he wants my brain starts telling me that its because he knows I didn't love him at first.


    I hate that the community midwife on the emergency number didn't seem to understand just how painful and regular my contractions were because maybe if someone had provided support earlier I wouldn't have lost my positivity for hysterical I feel unsafe fear. Contractions may normally slowly get closer together and more intense. Mine didnt and were sporadic, close together and insanely and unbearably painful from an hour in.


    I hate that I gave up and insisted on going to the hospital for stronger pain relief .
    I hate that when I arrived at the hospital the midwife I got was unsympathetic. I hate that she told me off anytime i ever made noise with "we will have none of that".


    I hate that the drugs meant that i didnt have a clue what was happening when they attached a clip to his head to monitor his dropping heart beat that meant i had to stay still flat on my back. I hate that because i did not understand this i kept trying to move around which meant that chilly kept having to be stern with me and at one point raised his voice because he was scared I was going to hurt Eli. I hate that because I did not understand why he was like that i thought he was angry with me for coming to the hospital and therefore spent the rest of my labour feeling alone and sad that he was angry with me. (He wasnt angry, i just didnt understand this).


    I hate that he was not passed up to me for a min after birth meaning i couldn't see him. I hate that I was ignored when i kept asking why i couldn't hear him. I hate that after 30 seconds of having him they snatched him out of my hands to help him breathe...without anyone telling me this is what they were doing nor did noone respond to me when I repeatedly asked what was happening. That combined with the fact she rang an alarm and called for a crash cart and a resuscitation emergency team down the speaker which caused loads of people to run in meant that for about 2 mins I honestly thought he was going to die.



    I hate that when they did give him back to me they had washed him meaning that because I was still on drugs I didnt feel like he was the same baby they had taken away 5 mins earlier.


    I hate that the only skin to skin I got before I was told to shower was me breathing into the gas and air thing as they sewed my 3rd degree tear back up with an anaesthetic that hadnt actually worked.


    I hate that when I came out of the shower someone else had dressed him (in the wrong outfit) even though i had really wanted to dress him for the first time and chilly had told them this making me feel even more detached.


    I hate that when they then handed him to me to go to the ward I felt nothing for him other then annoyance that he was crying and I was so tired and in pain.


    I hate that before I knew it I was in a ward without chilly feeling unable to cope with a baby i felt so detached from .


    I hate that after a day in hospital and after 72 hours with only one hour sleep I was told my tears were abnormal when I called the midwife for help because I was getting upset that i wa struggling to latch him on properly. The same midwife advised me to give him breastfeeding. (I didnt)


    I hate that i was then bullied into having a 24 hour catheter in because i was not urinating after birth despite the fact I told everyone over and over again that every time i have had this done it has triggered panic attacks and because my pipe is so small I find it incredibly painful. I hate that the midwife refused to remove it after an hour like she had said she would if i felt scared. I hate that I was repeatedly told i was being lazy not getting out of bed with the catheter in despite the fact i kept telling people i couldnt because it caused me so much pain to walk with it in.


    I hate that I was then told that due to what they thought was a hospital error I had a HIV positive test on my maternity notes that no one bothered to pick up on so I had to wait 5 hours while they rushed my blood off to be tested to confirm a negative in case i really was positive. That was a very long 5 hours. It was negative. Apparently there is a serious investigation into this.


    I hate how sad i now feel. I hate how angry I am. I hate that I am struggling.


    I hate that i should even feel like this because if the staff had acted better it wouldn't feel like i shouldn't have gave up. Needing strong pain relief when delivering a 9 pound 7 first baby after only dilating to 4 cm in 22 hours shouldn't feel this bad. But it does because of how they treated me when i was in so much pain and was so scared.


    There is more but i have ran out of steam. I dont know where i am going with this. I just needed to get it out somewhere where i wouldnt be told to get over it...or where people wouldnt say things like how i should just be thankful that he is safe..or thankful that i didnt have big complications. It might not seem that bad but I was in such a vulnerable and completely terrified state that actually it feels really bad to me right now.


    I havnt read this through because Eli has just woke up so i hope my rambleings make some kind of sense.

  • im sorry to hear your experience was so far from what you hoped :( you shouldnt be expected to just get over it. it was a real, important, defining moment of your life and what happened during it does matter! some women don't seem to mind at all, because i think they view it as a medical procedure. i felt very awful for a long time after having a c-section - only in the last few days actually have i stopped. i felt like i had failed because i had not given birth naturally. even though i did not think any less of other people who'd had them! but it's not logical, it's emotional and it's about you and him. there's nothing wrong with feeling like you're struggling, you're like has just changed massively, forever, and you're full of hormones and emotions you're not used to and it will take time to adjust.
    ignore people who tell you to just get over it, things will settle, it will take time - it should take tiime, it sounds like a very traumistitsing experience and it is sad that so many medical staff do not treat you with the respect you deserve or recognise how important certain things are to you. my birth plan was actually laughed at by a midwife :( and i was so ashamed none of it had worked i never met up with anyone from my nct group again (i had been so pro natural birth i thought they'd sneer at me for having had a section when it came to it)
    you're not alone in feeling this way, and there is nothing wrong with it and does not have any affect on how you are as a mother - you are doing wonderfully, and feeding him yourself, despite the pressure i imagine there is (i was *forced* to give Erin formula, they got a paediatrician in to scare me into doing it!well she's still bfing now at over a yr - it's so f*cked up the way they behave as if breastfeeding is a waste of time!!!)
    It does sound bad, and your feelings are valid and no one has t he right to invalidate them. only you know how real and painful they are. I used to cry a lot about my birth experience. But I have eventually come to terms with it. But healing takes time xxxx

    we reenact Noah's ancient drama, but in reverse, like a film running backwards, the animals exiting

  • Well for one, I'm proud of you. Proud that you overcame a drug addiction, that could have stood in the way of you getting pregnant & Going on to have & keep a healthy Eli. It wasn't the birth you hoped for. Chilly was there, he was part of it. You were awake and together you & chilly will overcome any negative memories and collect a abundance of wonderful ones as Eli grows. I know its quite normal for some new mums to be upset about the whole experience of childbirth in hospitals. Take stock of your thoughts and share them with the relevant authorities, so that people can learn from your experience. But above all else from here on in. Love being who you are, the mother of a beautiful child that you are responsible for and will share the joys of live with.

  • what him above said hun
    im proud of you too
    my emma had athird degree tear hun and had a traumatic birth
    i was with her with my other daughter donna
    so i kinda know what you went through
    you and chilly are going to be awesome parents focus on the positives and take each day at a time
    get plenty of rest too
    so so happy for you both
    and im always here if you ever want a chat

  • Thanks guys.


    I think I just feel the most frustrated because it didn't need to be like this. If medical staff had been more compassionate and remembered they were dealing with someone who was experiencing intense pain, was very frightened and who had valid emotions then maybe it wouldn't have been so bad.


    Being told to get a grip and to stop it when I made any noise when I got to the hospital was not helpful. I just found it very threatening which terrified me more. If someone had just told me they needed to help him breathe when they snatching him quickly out of my hands maybe I would haven't been sent in such a panic. Its hard to hear the words resuscitation emergency team and crash cart and see your room fill with people without assuming the worse about something that means so much to you.


    I mean even in the hospital stay. Who the hell tells a crying mother who has called for help she is abnormal and needs mental health treatment . I had been awake for 72 hours, struggling with knowing what to do for my baby. My pelvis was in such a bad way i couldn't walk a few metres without my legs buckling in so i couldn't get him in and out of his cot properly. I mean is it really that hard to believe that at one point i got a bit tearful is it?


    It just makes me sad that it took me 4 days and being out of the hospital to really feel anything for him. I felt overwhelming love for him the first time i gave him a bath at home to the point I cried about how beautiful he is... but for the 3 days in hospital and the day after i just didnt want him. I hated holding him. I hated it when he cried. I just didnt want him near me and was having to put on a fake smile to everyone i saw... and i hate that it was like that.


    It just didnt need to be like that. The decision to go to hospital felt right at the time and it has suggested to me that its a good job i did because when we got there it turns out his heart rate was dropping very low and due to how slowly i was progressing at home its very likely that i would have had to transfer anyway and it is likely i could then have been heading for a section. But due to the attitudes of others im left feeling angry that i made a decision i just shouldn't feel angry with myself about. I wish i had been stronger and stayed at home.


    Typing this all has helped a lot though.It feels good to talk about it and to have my feelings validated.

  • Hun its a real shame Lyndsey wasn't with you in a Dula role. She would have helped you & chilly so much. I'm glad didn't have a C section. I remember the first time I had to bath Alice. My mother came to oversee my efforts, I didn't realize I had so much to learn. Keep talking, keep smiling, keep kissing, keep loving X

  • Oh Jenna.


    You didn't say anything, I had no idea.


    There ought to be a severely worded complaint set up and an investigation into why this happened to you.


    My first experience of birth and aftercare was far from what it should have been but I was lucky to have a natural birth.


    My second involved induction which meant no midwife-led care, an epidural that I cried about when they asked if I would like one because within minutes of them breaking my waters the pain was so intense I had flashes in front of my eyes. I didn't bother planning a home birth with pool etc which I wanted the first time but couldn't have, because I needed to have people around me who could support me and understand what I needed - I was very lucky with the midwives and doctors in the induction unit. They also spoke to me for hours because I spent most of the days and all the night times on my own.


    This is a horrid first experience of birth for you, and I am so truly sorry. Please write to the health ombudsman people. No one should tell a birthing mother to stop that noise - sometimes we need to let it out! I did with Kaya, perhaps I wouldn't have if Cheltenham's staff had given me any time. I was just left on a bed and poor Seb had no idea what to do either, but he was the most wonderful birthing partner and stayed by my side the whole time.


    Talk to Cilly and

  • Damned ipad.


    Talk to Chilly and find some peace over time.


    And Katie, don't ever feel ashamed for having your cut n shut - I'm so proud of you, and my lovely god-daughter Erin! You can always try for a cbac next time. I do hope you guys have a next time :)

  • As you know, I had a very negative hospital birth experience. I found it helpful to do a birth review... that isn't the right word, but I can't remember what they actually called it. A midwife comes to visit you at home and go over your birth experience and take feedback. They'll bring your hospital notes with you, which was particularly interesting in my case as they had downright lied on my chart numerous times. I came away from it feeling heard, and your feedback will be used to improve the service in future... in theory, anyway.


    :hug:

  • Its called a birth reflections and may be at the hospital or at home.
    Dont rush to make an appointment
    You probably "need" a bit of time just being at home - a babymoon - lots of skin to skin and feeding and keeping cool. its too hot to go anywhere


    The Birth reflection service will take notice of what you say and feed back where appropriate
    After seeing the reflection service you can complain about what happened and I know that it will be investigated (personal experience) As a midwife I was devastated when a complain was made about something I said

  • I may look into that when I am more on top of things.


    I have been having a lot of skin to skin and I feel a lot better about the way I feel about Eli. The stuff from the hospital though still bothers me, I have just been trying not to think about it.


    I sent a complain to PALS about the HIV positive stuff mostly to find out what they conclude with their "serious" investigation because that set of errors was very distressing and was just bad medical practice, firstly that the mistake was made in the first place and secondly that noone noticed this positive result and either retested me soon or acted accordingly to try everything they could to stop the spread to Eli if I did actually have it.


    As for complaining about the other things. There is a bit of me that wants to complain about the attitude of the midwife who kept telling me to shut up because I really think that is just an inappropriate way to act to someone in distress and the midwife who insisted I was abnormal for being tearful and was then a bully and rude to me the rest of the day.


    The other stuff I don't think I want to complain about, I do think that being so off my face on diamorphene was possibly what made everything else really stressful as I am unsure if maybe this is how i interpreted what was going on around me due to being so out of it and I wouldn't want to get anyone into trouble for something that maybe didnt happen exactly how I remember it happening or how I felt it was happening. I guess I chose to take the drugs that left me so detached and disoriented and thats not really anyones fault but my own (although I think there are many things that happened through out the day that did not help me)

  • Dear Jenna,
    I am so sorry that Eli's birth went the way it did for you all.
    I am here for you and when you are ready and want to, i'll come up to visit and do some art stuff together.
    The birth trauma association is a very active group on facebook and i can link you in with other similar groups on facebook all of which are full of women who understand, BTA often has women posting through the small hours.
    Well done for posting your story up Jenna :heart: that is a very huge thing you've just done and a massively important first step towards your healing :hug:
    echo winter's advice re: birth reflections service :)
    Love you very much xxxxxxxx

  • I logged on after reading your first post as I wanted to give you a big hug. I can't offer any advice beyond that which has already been posted but reading your post made me feel so sad and angry on your behalf. A positive labour and birth experience can make so much difference to how you feel, even when the outcome isn't as hoped, and *all* mothers deserve that opportunity.


    Follow the advice that's been posted here, look after Eli but don't forget to look after yourself too. Lots of love xxx