My Dad doesn't love me....

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  • Hi Sarah,

    Hope you get over your cold soon! It's horible having a stinker at this time of year, doesn't feel right somehow...

    Anyway, I wondered if what I have to say as a seperated father may be of any interest or provide any insights for you?

    Myself and the mother of my daughter seperated nearly 4 years ago. At teh time we were living in Colchester and Jasmin was about 5 and a half. She was obviously really stressed out by it and expressed herself by saying things like 'my head is dizzy'. Myself and her mum shared care of her, a week with her mum, a week with me, or perhaps more time with her mum and less withme depending on how much I was working.

    Just over a couple of years ago, her mum and stepdad moved up to yorkshire and Jasmin stayed with me full-time until the end of the school year. I then spent some of the summer holidays with her, and then took her up to live with them full-time.

    For the next year, I used to travel up to yorkshire regularly to spend weekends with Jasmin, getting B&B in places like York or Blackpool where there are loads of stuff for kids to do. Not once did they bring Jasmin down to me, apart from the odd ocassion when they were visiting friends in London, and I could go over and see her for a while or take her back to mine.

    At times I used to feel resentful towards her mum and stepdad that I was the one doing all the travelling, 5-6 hours each way to pick her up and then extra to wherever we were going for the weekend. But whenever I felt like that I used to try to tell myself that they had all the other running around to do after her, looking after her when she was ill, dealing with her when she might not have been quite perfect(!) and all the other hard things that go with being a parent. I had none of that, just fun times together with her and freedom to do whatever I wanted the rest of the time.

    I still missed her a lot tho' and as I had no real ties in Colchester, a year ago I sold my house and moved to Leeds, where I rented a room in a house owned by a single mum and her daughter (who you already know about). I was happier 'cos I was closer to Jasmin, and she was happier too, plus she got on really well with my housemate's daughter when she came over to mine for a weekend or whatever.

    I get on fairly well now with Jasmin's mum and stepdad, the odd little disagreement now and again, but in general it is pretty amicable. All of us have made an effort fairly much from the start and it does help.

    There were the odd moments fairly soon after we split when I thought about trying to get custody, but as the two of us were never married, I don't have any parental rights as we never went to court to establish those after Jasmin was born. I have also since realised that trying to get custody would be damaging to us all, and so now, the thought never enters my head. I just want us all to get on and to have as beautiful relationship with my daughter as I can. It's really that simple.

    If your ex really loved his son then he would have made an effort to travel down to see him on a regular basis, just as I used to. It sounds to me like he is just being downright vindictive towards you for whatever reason. What kind of father would just abandon his child one day as you say he did and leave him to be found by his mother.

    I've dated quite a few single mums in the last 3 years or so, and quite a few of them have some really horrible stories about how their ex's have treated them and their kids. It makes me feel ashamed to be a man and by definition be associated with men like that, but also more determined to be as good a father as I can, plus try to get on with my ex and her husband.

    My brother is a social worker and until fairly recently used to work in child protection. His wife still does. I've asked him questions about the legal side of stuff on behalf of other people in the past, but he isn't particularly helpful unfortunately, but pm me if there is anything you want to know, and I'll try to help.

    Hopefully I'll see you all at the Big Green if you are still going and I can have a natter with you and Si about it if you want.

    Take care,

    Sion.x. :hippy:

  • The big this out of all of this that I see is that Charlie is talking to you both & not bottleing it up. That's a good thing.


    What ever you do that big thing is to keep the little one informed & allow him to talk to both you, Si & hopefully his dad, when he can be bothered.


    Lots of support for you here keep talking & asking for ideas & support I'm sure it will be here for you all dureing this.


    All the best
    :)

  • Thankyou Sion and Ren :hug: :hug: Sion your story has really helped me put things into perspective - to see other men taking on their fatherly responsibility and sometimes moving heaven and earth just to grab some precious time with their children shows me that I am doing way way too much to facilitate Charlie to see his Father. Like you say... if he really really loved him then he would make the effort!!!
    Ren - I am starting to realise just how good it is that Charlie is verbalising all of this and also learning that lots of children here have been through so much pain and kept it all inside :( I feel lucky that Charlie is verbalising it all as cannot imagine what it must be like to see your child go through so much pain but for them not to be able to express it.
    I've got the number now for the family liaison officer at school so gonna see her at her drop in session on Tuesday :)
    Thanks all once again :heart:

    Love n Sunshine
    Sarah xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • you lot have made me realise how very very lucky i am..though my ex and i have had our difficulties..he has never neglected his son..so much so,that he even finished a relationship when she wanted to move to the other end of the country.

    all i can say is listen to your son,give him the answers he requires and always explain the situation...i think it is better to speak truthfully to children even if the truth hurts sometimes.tell the school too,it is better they know of his hurt so they can keep an eye on him..maybe even find an older child who has been through asimilar situation

  • Yeah thats a really good point about school - they are full clued up - but anyone else reading this going through similar situation - thats great advice that dee has given :thumbup: Yah know dee.. charlie actually believes that his Dad loves his girlfriend more than he loves him - me ex moved another 2 hours further north from where he was in Halifax last year which has made the car journey even more of a mammoth one :( he did that cos its where his girlfriend wants to live :rolleyes: I even said to him about maybe them moving to Bristol cos its where me ex is from , where all his cousins are, where loads of work is... nah.. they moved to shitty scarborough instead cos of his girlfriend's wishes and to hell with what his son wants :( gah tryin not to get angry now with the pair of them but its hard!!!

  • my mates going through a similar thing..it's hideous..how anyone can behave that way towards a child pisses me off..the pain he must be going through is terrible and in turn it makes your pain all the more intense..my love to you..keep strong hun xxx

  • sarah why not try cab for a first shot
    i think your doing a great job with charlie from what ive read
    does he like painting or anything similar
    encourage him to get his feelings out that way
    as for his dad well.............my first two girls are from my first partner of five years
    they dident find out till my eldest was 16 and always thought ste as there dad
    first was violent and a big drug user
    he never tried to contact his kids couldent be bothered and as i met steve when sarah was 10 mnths and lynda 18mnths i dident bother to tell em cause of the violence
    all you can do is tell charlie the truth and leave it up to him ..when hes old enough if he wants to go see his father its his right
    but in the mean time from what i can see no court in the land would grant him custody
    so i wouldent worry
    but try c.a.b
    much love and luck sensi

  • :hug: to both of you dee and sensi :hug:
    yeah I shall investigate CAB after i been to see the family liaison lady at school :)
    On another topic entirely our van failed it's mot again today :( :( :( so desperatley tryin to sort out train tickets n times so we can get to Glade hehe :D What an adventure!!!!! am gutted for me mum though cos she in hospital tomorrow morning and her and dad just found out their alternator is fucked on their car so dad tryin desperatley to fix their car so he can pick her up from hospital tomorrow... it don't rain do it.. bloody pours!!!!

    ah well .. what don't kill ya makes ya stronger ;)

    Loads of love to you all

    thanks from bottom of my heart to you all aswell am blown away with what a fucking brilliant bunch of people you all are and feel blessed to be part of this community

    Sarah xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx