New pregnancy after losses... I need support

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  • So I wasn't going to post in here until a while...I wasn't going to tell anyone really as I am too afraid I will be tempting fate or something silly..


    but it turns out I am pregnant :). The doctor says about 4 weeks. From knowing my cycle I can't be more then 3 I don't think. So yeah... still stupidly early which is why I was not going to tell anyone.


    The reason I am posting this is because I need support. I am incredibly happy about this...although it has come as a complete shock as although we had been trying a while ago due to serious financial stress we stopped trying...but heh isn't that what everyone told me would happen? Stop trying they all said and you will get pregnant.


    The happiness though (and believe me I am over the moon happy) just can't seem to fight through the fear. I am completely terrified that something will happen and I will loose the baby. I am having to live each day in complete fear having to constantly remind myself to think positive thoughts, to take not only each day at a time but practically each hour at a time feeling relief every time I go to the bathroom and find that I am not bleeding. I am analysing every tiny thing my body does. Had cramping which I think was gass the last few days and rushed myself to the walk in centre for some reasurrance. Was so worried. That has gone today and now I am worried that that has gone because something has stopped happening or something. I feel insane and completely neurotic. Had to force myself to stop buying pregnancy tests because i cant stop myself analysing every line in case its getting lighter even though i know unreliable that actually is. Some hours my breasts feel so insanely tender and I feel comforted by it and then a few hours later it has stopped and completely gone away and I am crying because I am scared I am going to loose the baby. I feel completely emotionally unstable.


    I have told chilly obviously and my friend emma. I think chilly is struggling to understand why I am not seeming overjoyed even though all I have wanted for so long is to have a family. I associate everything that is happening to my body right now with the worst things that have ever happened to me. I have nightmares and cry about those things very often even now 4 years later they are a source of serious trauma for me. I can't help but wonder why I have let myself be put back in a position where i could experience a loss again? I want to have a baby so badly and have for so long but now it is happening I am too scared. i can not live through another loss of pregnancy.


    Both emma and chilly keep talking about when the baby gets here, chilly in a sense of what we will need, what things will cost, emma just wants to talk about birthing and where I want to give birth and baby names and.... I am not ready to talk about those things yet. For me to talk about those things it means that I am having a baby, I am to scared to think about those things and talk about plans in case I am not about to have a baby but instead I am going to experience a loss and and my life is going to fall apart once again.


    I just feel that thinking about what is going to happen in 9 months time is too far ahead when I am having to get my self through each hour and each day at a time right now. I keep thinking that maybe this will get better once I have got out of the early pregnancy stage...but will it really? or I am going to spend the entire next 8-9 months like this? and even if I do feel better when I am past 12 weeks that is still 2 whole months away!


    I went to my doctors to explain all this and start antenatal care. He was pretty insensitive, suggested that I should have waited a few weeks after my missed period to test not a few days as "miscarriages are incredibly common in early pregnancy, maybe even half of all pregnancies" and said to "just not worry about it as there is nothing I can do about it anyway if it happens" as if not worrying was as simple as just not worrying about it. I asked if I could have a referral to EPU for maybe an earlier scan at 8 weeks or something for reassurance on the grounds of my mental health or some HCG blood tests so I can have some reasurrance but he refused. Going to try a different doctor next week although I have beenthinking about it today and maybe that isn't a good idea. Maybe I should just wait the 10 weeks out and then get a scan where they will be able to tell me for sure if there is a heartbeat instead of potentially freaking myself out even more if they cant find it early.


    I wish the happiness would over ride the fear...
    I need to now go and sit and breath calmly and repeat to myself my mantra about how everything is going to be fine. I know being this anxious is not going to help anything so most of my day right now is taken up with calming exercises because otherwise I feel like I am going to explode with anxiety.

  • Wow congratulations; makes me laugh reading your worries that is exactly how I felt during pregancy, when I gave birth I had one babygro and one vest and a pack of nappies, because I did not want to jinx my much wanted baby. So I think it is a natural feeling one of many you will get during pregnancy.
    Good idea to write your feelings down and get other peeps input and support. We want to know the fun things too, like cravings mine was broccoli, orange juice and penny sweets esp the pink ones.

  • Kaiya, go to facebook and find Finleys Footprints... the lady that runs it is brilliant at offering totally empathic support to women just like you. The cramping may have been implantation which IME was more and more obvious with each subsequent pregnancy. If you haven't already got it, when i get my copy back I will lend it to you Birthing From Within by Pam England! I'm waiting for some clients to come over for a meeting but am free this evening if you want to talk anything through on the phone or on facebook chat. Gonna see if I have your mobile number to text... Love you lots and am here for you and will come back with a longer response laters xxxxxxxxxxx

  • What your feeling is totally normal, I miscarried my first and when I felt pregnant again I was a nervous wreck just like you, I left buying anything for baby until the last trimester, it's very easy to say relax but I doubt you ever will really until baby is in your arms.
    Agree about the implanting cramps, mine were awful in the early stages, make sure you rest as much as possible, easier said than done I know.


    Have you seen a midwife yet? All areas are run differently but she will probably be your best bet at getting a scan rather than a doctor?

  • Thanks Sarah. I will face book you my number. I am at a rehearsal for a fashion show I am body painting at this evening, but a chat would be good at some point either on the phone or on facebook chat :)


    Quote

    Have you seen a midwife yet? All areas are run differently but she will probably be your best bet at getting a scan rather than a doctor?


    Not yet. Midwife appointments are made by self referral at my doctors. Have filled in and handed in the form so they said someone should call me in "2-3 weeks" which is apparently the waiting time.


    Thank you for replying. The cramping has gone away today so i guess implantation cramping could have been what it was...would make sense as they say that can happen around the time your period is due. :)


    I will see if I can get a copy of that book Sarah or if i cant if I could borrow yours that would be great :) xx

  • congrats! and it is totally normal. i was completely paranoid for weeks and weeks when i found out i was pregnant... i couldn't get excited or even accept it was happening until the last trimester really. which is a shame as it would have been nice to enjoy the pregnancy a bit more. but when you've had negative experiences it's not unusual. it's easier to disassociate and not form an attachment in case something goes wrong. i *constantly* checked for bleeding, to the point of obessession! and then i did have bleeding at 17 weeks. but was fine. cramping is normal too. mine was worse than any prior period pain (same with my previous pregnancies)
    i think it is very early to be thinking about names and so on - well, personally, i know that would have made it much realer for me and much harder to deal with if something had gone wrong. perhaps have a chat with your oh about this to get him to understand a bit more.
    best of luck though, eat well and stay safe xx

    we reenact Noah's ancient drama, but in reverse, like a film running backwards, the animals exiting

  • Quote

    perhaps have a chat with your oh about this to get him to understand a bit more.


    I have tried talking to him but whilst he understands why I am worried and is being supportive about it he thinks along the lines of if I am worried constantly and constantly getting upset I am creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. He thinks if I completely belive everything will be fine like he does then it really will be which has kinda upset me more because it just made me think my pregnancy was going to end because I was worrying about it ending.


    I am glad (well not glad that that you did but glad that I am not so alone) Katie about the checking for blood thing. It seriously has become an obsession to the point I keep waking up in the night subconsciously to check and cant go back to sleep until i have gone to the bathroom and examined some tissue paper in the light to check that I am not bleeding. The people at the walk in centre are going to be sick of seeing me before too long.


    I want to carry on as if this wasn't happening as some kind of back up plan. Problem is that what was happening wasn't too great tbh. We had stopped trying for a baby because we are in a lot of debt...i cant find work and cant get housing benefit or job seekers due to chillys earnings...chilly is having to fund everything and is completely stressed and angry about it. As a result my anxiety has gotten bad and I have gotten depressed and holding a job had become even harder. I was applying to so many jobs and nothing and I worry if I would have been able to keep one down due to anxiety even if I got one. Last week we had quite a big argument which came down to him saying he couldn't cope with paying for my share of everything any more as it was really getting him down and he was suggesting we live separately again until I had a better grip of my anxiety and could hold down a job to support myself and then my period didn't came.


    What I want is to have a job and to be in a secure situation so i felt that even if everything went wrong I would be ok and we would get through it together but I am not sure of that and the stress of finding work from before just makes this anxiety worse. He says not to worry about getting a job now. But he is clearly insanely stressed...so I am not sure that is actually an option.


    Sorry to go on..I just need to talk to someone really :)

  • I had a special mental health midwife.


    Talk to your local Community Mental Health Team - my midwife visited me AT HOME - and talked me through anything and everything even if it wasn't baby-related.


    I was worried. We thought we had lost Daisy because at 5 weeks I had a 48 hour chronic bleed. She's the strongest, cleverest baby now.


    You know I've been through loss and such. You may have my number. I'll try texting you, see if you're still on the number I have.

  • Hiya lovely, got your message so will text you in a bit :)


    Message for Chilly: In nature, it is not a question of positive or negative mental attitude that dictates life and death... life and death just *are* ... and whilst a positive mental attitude can add a pleasant tone to a life or death situation and a negative attitude could arguably add a negative tone... these tones are simply that, and are not the driving forces behind life or death.... I know this without a shadow of a doubt to be true because I spent 34 weeks of a 41 week pregnancy absolutely shitting myself that I was going to get pre-eclampsia again ... I didn't get it... therefore Chilly needs to read this and understand it and support you through this really scary part of your pregnancy without adding to your already mega levels of anxiety by putting ideas in your head that simply aren't true... Chilly, I mean that with the biggest amount of love and respect.


    It is entirely natural and normal that you would feel exactley as you feel after what you have been through. Brilliant advice from Deej about specialist midwifery support. Am going to do a bit of finding out for you Jenna and see if there are any local support groups that deal specifically with pregnancy after loss around your area. As soon as I get that book back I'll send it on up honey cos you are going to love it hugely... its all about using creative expression to face fears etc.


    Love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • It is entirely natural and normal that you would feel exactley as you feel after what you have been through. Brilliant advice from Deej about specialist midwifery support. Am going to do a bit of finding out for you Jenna and see if there are any local support groups that deal specifically with pregnancy after loss around your area. As soon as I get that book back I'll send it on up honey cos you are going to love it hugely... its all about using creative expression to face fears etc.


    Love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


    Thanks Sarah :-) Love you too xxx

  • Congrats and.....


    "I need to now go and sit and breath calmly and repeat to myself my mantra about how everything is going to be fine. I know being this anxious is not going to help anything so most of my day right now is taken up with calming exercises because otherwise I feel like I am going to explode with anxiety. "


    Looks like you already have the answer. Enjoy x

  • When I was pregnant with Izzy, I was so anxious and paranoid that things would go wrng like they had before... and then at around 12 weeks I had bleeding and began to grieve immediately as I was so sure the worst was happening again... had a horrendous sleepless night before I could go in for an emergency scan... and there was tiny Izzy, wriggling about, happy as anything :heart:


    And now she's four!! :D

  • Congrats kaiya hunny
    I know exactly how you feel from experience hunny
    I can't add more than Sarah
    She is amazing
    I am sending you lots of healthy pregnancy vibes sweetheart
    Please let me know if there's anything you need material or otherwise
    Huge hugs

  • sounds like a tough situation :( you don't want to be worrying about searching for a job, though i know that's an ideal.. but also, when you become obviously pregnant, it will be very difficult to find one. have you got much support from family? though i assume you've not told them yet. because if your oh is getting so stressed about money and stuff perhaps it might help you to stay with your parents or someone for a bit until he comes to term with the different situation (though i don't know ur rel with them so sorry if it's not relevant!) (because you have to become very unselfish with both money and time once baby has arrived, so if he has difficulty sharing his money with you, he may need some time to come to terms with it going even further!)
    i'm happy to chat if you need it, i was so stressed and anxious during my pregnancy i know i would have liked to have people i could properly talk to (i hardly know anyone with babies and live no where near my or OH's family) - was worried about money (as i couldn't work because of the nature of my job) and was living in a horrible situation (i started getting panic attacks again - i'd not had them since i'd had an abortion) and then got even more stressed because i thought the stress would make me miscarry! it wasn't helpful, but it's only natural to worry, a normal part of being a mother - and i still do now, and imagine i will forever - but the key is to let it only be one (small) aspect of motherhood

    we reenact Noah's ancient drama, but in reverse, like a film running backwards, the animals exiting

  • Well today has been a very stressful morning. I had serious cramps on my left side last night and therefore was up most of the night in pain. The left side is where my bladder tends to hurt due to my interstitial cystitis but just in case I went to my GP this morning. She pressed down on my left side and my whole body tensed up and I was in a lot of pain, so I got taken to hospital with a suspected Ectopic. This scared me as this is what happened last time I miscarried. I had bleeding as well and was rushed in with suspected ectopic only to find that there was no pregnancy on the scan, had to stay in over night and then miscarried the baby.


    Had to wait 3 hours in the part of the EPU that involved lots of other women sat around looking distressed, a crying newborn (this is an irritation of mine, should small babies really be allowed in the early pregnancy unit where many people are being told they have lost or are loosing their babies?). Had my stomach examined again and was told that they strongly believed I had an ectopic and that i was to have bloods and an ultrasound where they expected to find the pregnancy either in my tubes or not at all.


    Anyway got my ultrasound and they found a sac with fluid which I saw :) I felt relieved as the women doing the scan seemed really positive and said she would arrange a scan for 2-3 weeks to check for a heartbeat.


    Back upstairs the doctors were not so positive. I have got a HCG appointment on sat to see if my hormones are doubling. They said they can not confirm pregnancy (which is a shitty medical way of putting things as the women in the scan room showed me as she reffered to it "your pregnancy" and there is something defiantly implanted in my womb...I saw it... even if it has stopped developing as far as I am concerned that is still a pregnancy and I am still attached to it, implying that it isn't reminds me of the shitty "its a group of cells" thing people say to try and comfort you. I asked how likely that i was going to be ok..she said she had no idea and would have to wait until sat...she said to "not worry" as its 50/50 as to if it is ok.


    So all I can do now is wait until sat. My appointment is at 10:30. I am pretty worried but I am not as worried as I thought I would be. I still feel pregnant, my breasts still hurt, whilst they don't know what the pain is I still think it could be to do with my IC bladder and I was so relived to see the little sac on the scan when I was so sure that it was going to be just like before and I have no bleeding so currently I have some strong faith somehow that on sat they will find my HCG has doubled.


    My optimism might change yet though as 48 is along time and I am very scared.

  • Quote

    have you got much support from family? though i assume you've not told them yet. because if your oh is getting so stressed about money and stuff perhaps it might help you to stay with your parents or someone for a bit until he comes to term with the different situation (though i don't know ur rel with them so sorry if it's not relevant!)


    Unfortunately my parents house would be a bad place to be now. My mum is fairly emotionally supportive although I have not told her about this yet but my parents relationship is toxic and a mess, my dad is emotionally abusive and can be quite physically aggressive and I am not really welcome to stay there for a while, plus it would make me a lot more stressed. I do think chilly may benefit from a bit of space so he can sort his head out, I know he is very happy about our news but I know he was very stressed about money before so there is a lot more strain from that area now. Once I have the results from this weekend if it has gone well I may see if i can find a friend to visit for a week or two :)


    Thanks for your support Katie :)

  • Aw hunny. Massive gentle hugs, i only just saw this thread babe, so firstly congratulations, whatever happens from here you've got a little one with you right now and thats magic. You know you are welcome to stay here for a bit of you need to:) peaceful nature place and a doula on hand for chatting when you need to. :)


    that dr of yours sounds like an idiot, surely he knows your history. i cant imagine how scary it is for you right now, i had a few weeks of waiting for a heartbeat scan with eden, i bled early on and it was just awful, that was before my miscarrige though, so goodness knows what it would be like now. i do know stress can make pain worse, and thus increase stress, it wont change whether your baby is developing or now but as sarah said, being as chilled as possible will help no end to make the experience, whatever it may be, much easier.


    i hate to say it but if chilly is feeling so stressed out it might be best to live seperately for a bit, give him a chance to have his space and get his head round becoming a father at a difficult time, cos the pressure must be huge on him right now, different to the pressure on you but still valid.He may be able to be more there for you emotionally if hes got his own space some of the time.


    for you hun, try to meditate every day, let all thoughts just come and go, gently see them and say to yourself...thinking...notice and let them go, concentrate lightly on your breath and try to invisage a rosy gold light in your belly, a place of peace and acceptance, whatever may come, just be in the moment, right this moment you are pregnant and healthy and calm, it may help ease the anxiety. i dont know if its gonna be right for you but it did help me.


    sending loads and loads of love hunny.xxxxx

    Turned on, tuned in, loved up, trippin out, freaky on the outside, shiny in the middle.

  • i hate to say it but if chilly is feeling so stressed out it might be best to live seperately for a bit, give him a chance to have his space and get his head round becoming a father at a difficult time, cos the pressure must be huge on him right now, different to the pressure on you but still valid.He may be able to be more there for you emotionally if hes got his own space some of the time.


    I think that is what needs to happen for a while as sad as its making me. He is so stressed that he just doesn't have the energy to support me through this properly and its causing recurring really quite nasty arguments. We clearly need space to get on with what ever personal thing we have going on right now. Problem is i don't have a clue where to go. I couldn't stay here on my own right now and the only place I know I would be truly welcome for a few weeks is Janna's and I don't have any way or money to get to Cornwall. Its all very difficult :(

  • jenna can u mega bus it to london? There is a bus that goes Hammersmith to Taunton via Wincanton run by berrys coaches, u welcome to stop here for a couple of nights...i'm going exeter on saturday 27th so could get you there if the kernow crew could come get you from hannahs in exeter. Thinking of you today x x x x

  • So, if you were actively trying for a baby... why is Chilly finding it so hard to cope now you're actually pregnant?


    I just wrote loads and then thought best not too. Mostly it is money stress. I have not financially contributed to the house now for 7 months due to anxiety and I think he has eventually buckled under the stress of being the sole provider. We were trying for a baby which was his decision. Then made the decision to stop trying 6 weeks ago because we got loads of bills through and it became apparent that we were in a lot of debt. I think mostly his concerns are about money as we were already buckling under financial strain that being the reason we stopped trying.



    Went for my blood test this morning. The nurse just rang me. Apparently they have not come back yet and she is going off shift so now it seems I am going to have to wait until tomorrow to find out if my hormones are actually increasing...:-( I can't bare waiting anymore.

  • jenna can u mega bus it to london? There is a bus that goes Hammersmith to Taunton via Wincanton run by berrys coaches, u welcome to stop here for a couple of nights...i'm going exeter on saturday 27th so could get you there if the kernow crew could come get you from hannahs in exeter. Thinking of you today x x x x


    I have no money until next week, but I will look into this :) x