So I wasn't going to post in here until a while...I wasn't going to tell anyone really as I am too afraid I will be tempting fate or something silly..
but it turns out I am pregnant :). The doctor says about 4 weeks. From knowing my cycle I can't be more then 3 I don't think. So yeah... still stupidly early which is why I was not going to tell anyone.
The reason I am posting this is because I need support. I am incredibly happy about this...although it has come as a complete shock as although we had been trying a while ago due to serious financial stress we stopped trying...but heh isn't that what everyone told me would happen? Stop trying they all said and you will get pregnant.
The happiness though (and believe me I am over the moon happy) just can't seem to fight through the fear. I am completely terrified that something will happen and I will loose the baby. I am having to live each day in complete fear having to constantly remind myself to think positive thoughts, to take not only each day at a time but practically each hour at a time feeling relief every time I go to the bathroom and find that I am not bleeding. I am analysing every tiny thing my body does. Had cramping which I think was gass the last few days and rushed myself to the walk in centre for some reasurrance. Was so worried. That has gone today and now I am worried that that has gone because something has stopped happening or something. I feel insane and completely neurotic. Had to force myself to stop buying pregnancy tests because i cant stop myself analysing every line in case its getting lighter even though i know unreliable that actually is. Some hours my breasts feel so insanely tender and I feel comforted by it and then a few hours later it has stopped and completely gone away and I am crying because I am scared I am going to loose the baby. I feel completely emotionally unstable.
I have told chilly obviously and my friend emma. I think chilly is struggling to understand why I am not seeming overjoyed even though all I have wanted for so long is to have a family. I associate everything that is happening to my body right now with the worst things that have ever happened to me. I have nightmares and cry about those things very often even now 4 years later they are a source of serious trauma for me. I can't help but wonder why I have let myself be put back in a position where i could experience a loss again? I want to have a baby so badly and have for so long but now it is happening I am too scared. i can not live through another loss of pregnancy.
Both emma and chilly keep talking about when the baby gets here, chilly in a sense of what we will need, what things will cost, emma just wants to talk about birthing and where I want to give birth and baby names and.... I am not ready to talk about those things yet. For me to talk about those things it means that I am having a baby, I am to scared to think about those things and talk about plans in case I am not about to have a baby but instead I am going to experience a loss and and my life is going to fall apart once again.
I just feel that thinking about what is going to happen in 9 months time is too far ahead when I am having to get my self through each hour and each day at a time right now. I keep thinking that maybe this will get better once I have got out of the early pregnancy stage...but will it really? or I am going to spend the entire next 8-9 months like this? and even if I do feel better when I am past 12 weeks that is still 2 whole months away!
I went to my doctors to explain all this and start antenatal care. He was pretty insensitive, suggested that I should have waited a few weeks after my missed period to test not a few days as "miscarriages are incredibly common in early pregnancy, maybe even half of all pregnancies" and said to "just not worry about it as there is nothing I can do about it anyway if it happens" as if not worrying was as simple as just not worrying about it. I asked if I could have a referral to EPU for maybe an earlier scan at 8 weeks or something for reassurance on the grounds of my mental health or some HCG blood tests so I can have some reasurrance but he refused. Going to try a different doctor next week although I have beenthinking about it today and maybe that isn't a good idea. Maybe I should just wait the 10 weeks out and then get a scan where they will be able to tell me for sure if there is a heartbeat instead of potentially freaking myself out even more if they cant find it early.
I wish the happiness would over ride the fear...
I need to now go and sit and breath calmly and repeat to myself my mantra about how everything is going to be fine. I know being this anxious is not going to help anything so most of my day right now is taken up with calming exercises because otherwise I feel like I am going to explode with anxiety.