What made you laugh/smile today? Take 2

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  • This made me laugh, in fact it made me cry with laughter....!!


    Apparently .....This letter was actually sent into Veet.... (hair removal cream maker)
    Dear Sir or Madam,
    "After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful a...nd I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
    I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
    Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.
    Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.
    Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my butt. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
    This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
    Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, butt in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my butt while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ".
    Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...
    So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect......."


    :reddevil: :reddevil: :reddevil:

  • Hahaha, I remember seeing that wurzel, it wasn't a letter, but a review on Amazon for "Veet For Men Hair Removal Gel Cream" - Some of the other reviews are equally hilarious :D


    "DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS
    By Andrew


    Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.


    (I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)"


    "LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION
    By The Cantankerous Tiger


    I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.


    Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
    Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.


    However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children.


    In summary:


    Pros: A small expense, certainly didn't burn a hole in my pocket.


    Cons: Did burn a hole in my scrotum


    All in all an effective and reasonably priced product - 3 Stars."


    :rofl:

  • Three times today Jane has forgotton what she wanted to say to me (same thing each time, very important) bearing in mind at the moment we have, my mother has breast cancer, my eldest daughter is ready to give birth for the first time, my youngest daughter is having a shit time with her mother and may be moving in with us.... so what was this thing that she needed to speak to me about?


    Oh yes! Do you wanna meet me in Liverpool tomorrow after my training course to get pissed for St Patrick's Day :eek:


    Fuckin' right I do :D though not as pissed as last time we done Paddy's day in Liverpool, most of the people on the train home wished I wasn't on it :o:angel::D :D :D

  • Just think back few week. Meetin up with old mate and her new hubby. Her sayin we got 1o ponys. And rent em out with carts . But we are not posh. And me sayin not bad for young lass who used to show her tits to other car drivers when sat in back of my pickup. The hubbys face waz priceless. Hee hee...

  • If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (FUK).


    In a bid to discourage Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, The Government have now begun to campaign with the slogan “Vote NO, for FUK’s sake”


    They feel that Scottish voters will be able to relate to this.

  • It didnt happen today but on saturday i laughed out load till i got home, i saw a lot of glum looking hunting people, coudlnt work out why then i went a bit further down the road to discover a builder sat on his van, strange i thought you dont see many builders following these idiots, then i realised it was a local anti hunt dude i know, he was kind of sat there enjoying himself smiling away camera in hand, meanwhile down the road a lot of glum looking people, it just made me laugh a lot dont know why it just did almost like the anti hunt man was hunting the hunters.