Okay, so I suppose this was what I've been waiting for, basically, for the past four years so I could sort of feel like I have a sense of independence again. I've made it through sleepness nights where I started hallucinating I was so badly run down on sleep, I made it through the FIRST time STBE decided he didn't want to be a dad, and the SECOND time. I made it through my son's strange behaviour, and then the diagnosis why, I've made it through teething, through tantrums which have left me with physical scars (and you ain't seen a tantrum till you've seen an autistic child's tantrums). I've dealt with people glaring at me whenever my kid did something socially unacceptable because he didn't know better, and I've gone through starting to lose my hair through the stress, and it's growing back in. Gone through moving to a place I loathe and screwing up my son's school plans for STBE's job, and scrambling for a placement, and nearly going utterly mad during six weeks of summer break....
And we've found him a school which will be perfect for him. We took him round the school and he loved it. They're actually operating at half-capacity for the first six months so he'll have one on one learning.
STBE went to pick up his school uniform stuff, and then sproggo decided he had to model it. He came out, and I swear I was only able to see him for a few seconds and then my eyes started to well up. He's tall for his age (HUGE for his age, actually, he looks seven - which of course means people judge him even more for his behaviour, as he's still four, turns five in three weeks), and he looked a right young man - almost ready to ask for keys to the car, well if we had a car.
And suddenly, I wanted my baby back. I wanted the crawling, giggling, tigger-suit wearing wee babby, who drooled and smiled at everyone and so wasn't ready to leave mummy's side so quickly. He still can't talk well, has to have help dressing himself, still doesn't understand social cues and has a lot to learn, he's GOT to go to school, these are things I don't have the patience to teach him on my own...but I still want to put the breaks on, or maybe go into reverse. I think I understand now why mums say their children are always their babies to them...I never twigged before.
But I sure as hell do now.