Have you been raped or abused?

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  • Boz :hug: glad you got the all clear! Please don't feel ashamed about it. It wasn't your fault.

    I have a fear of condoms now due to the fact that he used one. He went into the bathroom beforehand and wanked and put a condom on. Barged into my room and subsequently into me.


    Whenever I smell that rubbery condom smell I feel sick and frightened.

  • Quote from Hannah

    im in such shock from this thread. i cant believe that more women have said they have than havent.

    One message women can take away from this: be careful!!! These figures demonstrate that there are a lot of potential rapists and abusers out there. In which instance, it stands to reason that that's gonna include people you'd never suspect. Always avoid risky situations with men unless you trust them completely. There is never any excuse for rape, but there are still things you can do to try and reduce the risks of it happening to you. Most instances of rape involve friends and boyfriends who won't take no for an answer - not strangers in dark places. Be wary, be cautious, be careful who you trust, and don't take it for granted that it won't happen to you.


    There's no need to live in a constant state of fear and paranoia, but learn to listen to your instincts and exercise a little cynicism and caution, and you'll go a long way towards staying safe.


    Just for the record... I'm not saying rape is something that you can necessarily avoid. I'm not saying anyone should have known better. But I am saying that if there's things you can do to reduce the chances of it happening to you in the future, then that's really worth thinking about.


    And for anyone who has been raped or abused... if you look back and think "I was stupid, I could have avoided it, I should have done things differently, I should have fought, I should have shouted, I should have gone to the police"... everyone reacts differently under stress, trauma and fear. Never feel guilty. Nothing makes it your fault, and you have no need to justify anything to yourself or anyone else. Nobody has the right to judge you unless they've been in your shoes. There is no excuse for rape.... in whatever form it takes.

  • One thing i thought about when i was really thinking about this and trying to 'get over it' was why did he 'pick me'? For ages i wore baggy jeans, baggy jumpers etc (i still do but they're comfy) because i thought it must have been the way i looked. I have a very feminine figure and figured he must of been attracted to me and it was my fault for showwing it off.

    Then i changed my mind and i was like he obviously wanted to be with me physically and couldnt manage to do that through normal ways. He must have felt that this was the only way he could be with me. In that small thought it made me realise that im better than him, i can be with whoever i want and deffinately with someone better than him.

    I'm a beautiful person inside and out and he must have liked that so much and felt so unworthy of me that he had to force me.

    i know this is probably not what he was thinking at the time but at least when i tell myself this little story i feel better.


    Quote from jo_rhymes

    Boz :hug: glad you got the all clear! Please don't feel ashamed about it. It wasn't your fault.

    I have a fear of condoms now due to the fact that he used one. He went into the bathroom beforehand and wanked and put a condom on. Barged into my room and subsequently into me.

    Whenever I smell that rubbery condom smell I feel sick and frightened.



    Thanks.
    I can identify on the condom bit with you. nuf said. :hug:

  • Quote from Boz

    One thing i thought about when i was really thinking about this and trying to 'get over it' was why did he 'pick me'? For ages i wore baggy jeans, baggy jumpers etc (i still do but they're comfy) because i thought it must have been the way i looked. I have a very feminine figure and figured he must of been attracted to me and it was my fault for showwing it off.

    You could argue that wearing different clothes could reduce your chances of being raped, and in certain circumstances, it actually might. So if you wanna stay safe, it's something to consider. But that doesn't imply fault. Nothing you do justifies a man forcing you against your will. If you forget to lock your door and someone steals from you, it is not your fault. You could have helped prevent it, but it is still the thief who is doing wrong.

  • I don't think clothing has got much to do with it to be honest. I don't wear make up, I am always in baggy clothes, I'm always covered up.
    I think I'm too nice, I always give people the benefit of the doubt and I usually trust people pretty easy.


    Looking back, yes I SHOULD have fought, but I was a kid and I was scared and alone, and I think if I DID try and fight, things might have been a whole lot worse.


    My advice for everyone is Look after yourself. Exercise regularly and be confident in who you are. I think people can sense confidence and assertiveness and I can't argue for others but I've always had low self esteem and not much confidence. From a rapist's (or mugger, etc) point of view "easy target".


    Be vigilant.


    If you're out, make sure no one can spike your drink, never be alone in a car park etc. ALways look out for yourself and your friends. :hug:

  • I never really know how to answer. I fall into one of those, I'm passed out and have a vague recollection of coming to, finding a guy on me, then passing out again, 'date rapish' catagories. Sometimes I'll call it rape, sometimes I'll call it bad judgement on my part.


    I've been told before that reffering to something like this as rape diminishes what 'real' rape victims go through. And sometimes I buy it - till I realize how much it and one other situation have twisted a certain part of me in a way that won't twist back.

  • Quote from jo_rhymes

    I don't think clothing has got much to do with it to be honest. I don't wear make up, I am always in baggy clothes, I'm always covered up.

    I don't think it's the only factor, and I don't think it's always a factor, but to rule it out completely as a factor is to fundamentally fail to understand the nature of male sexuality. Men are sexual predators and far more spontaneously sexual than women. They respond sexually to visual stimulus far more powerfully and easily. The female form is seductive, and when suitably displayed and augmented with revealing or alluring clothing, it is absolutely intoxicating to men.

  • Quote from SithInKnots

    I never really know how to answer. I fall into one of those, I'm passed out and have a vague recollection of coming to, finding a guy on me, then passing out again, 'date rapish' catagories. Sometimes I'll call it rape, sometimes I'll call it bad judgement on my part.


    I've been told before that reffering to something like this as rape diminishes what 'real' rape victims go through. And sometimes I buy it - till I realize how much it and one other situation have twisted a certain part of me in a way that won't twist back.

    If you didn't give your consent - verbally or subtly - then you were raped. If I entered someone who was too drunk to consent, I would have no doubt that I was doing something wrong, and that I was raping them.

  • Quote from SithInKnots

    I never really know how to answer. I fall into one of those, I'm passed out and have a vague recollection of coming to, finding a guy on me, then passing out again

    Ditto.

  • Quote from Atomik

    Men are sexual predators and far more spontaneously sexual than women. They respond sexually to visual stimulus far more powerfully and easily.


    Believe me! I know!! For the past 2 or 3 years i've learnt to "not hate men anymore"!!


    :o

  • Quote from jo_rhymes

    My advice for everyone is Look after yourself. Exercise regularly and be confident in who you are. I think people can sense confidence and assertiveness and I can't argue for others but I've always had low self esteem and not much confidence. From a rapist's (or mugger, etc) point of view "easy target".


    Seconded. I had low esteem from a very early age because of some traumatic experiences and I think it's the combination of lack of confidence and being the child of a single mother who wasn't that interested in me that made me such an easy target the second and third time. The fact I attracted abusive/predatory/violent people and bullies for years after that suggests that the fact I was an easy target was definitely obvious.


    I'd recommend self-defence classes, I generally think every woman should practice some form of self-defence these days, but particularly if you've been a victim of rape/abuse in the past. I plan on taking some myself, when I get up the courage to leave the house again.

    It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.


    Jiddu Krishnamurti

  • Well seein as we're havin a group session i spose i should raise my hand too. I think it's dealt with on the most part, i've never hated men, more felt a bit contemptuous. But i look back and i think i really helped myself. I was 10 years old, i faced him and i said i knew what he was doing and if he ever did it again then i would tell. He never came near me again. I did however tell my mom when i hit 14. I was branded a liar and the whole family was torn apart. Telling was the worst mistake i ever made. I haven't seen my grandparents for about 15 years and this is the reason why. My Nan died 2 years ago, my Grandad is getting buried this thursday and they both died not knowing any of this. I didn't go to nans funeral and i won't be going to Grumps. He however will be there. Cunt.

  • Firinne, self defence is brilliant for everyone. You feel empowered doing it. You shift from a "victim" to a "survivor"!


    Hedgewitch :hug: I'm so sorry to hear that. I think you did the right thing for telling, it's just such a shame your family didn't believe you, they are the ones who made the mistake, not you. x

  • Quote from jo_rhymes

    Hedgewitch :hug: I'm so sorry to hear that. I think you did the right thing for telling, it's just such a shame your family didn't believe you, they are the ones who made the mistake, not you. x

    Cheers for the hug babes. Shit happens, you deal with it eh. I'm a better stronger person for it. :arr:

  • :hug: to hedgewitch.


    I wasnt saying that my clothing had anything to do with what happened. In most of the circumstances it probably wasnt but it just me looking on the bright side. Yeah, im attractive, i still shouldnt have to deal with this shit.


    I know its not my fault now. But at the time it was different. I still feel vunerable all the time. Its messed me up no end. But occationally i gotta pick my self up, tell myself "you're one fit chick", smile and get on with life knowing im in a better place now.

  • Quote from nakid flame

    In my opinion it has fuck all to do with clothes/ image if a man cant control himself he cant control himself.

    And if a man can't control himself, the more sexually provocatively a woman is dressed, the less likely he is to remain in control. That doesn't make it the woman's fault... it's a simple statement of fact.

  • Quote from Atomik

    And if a man can't control himself, the more sexually provocatively a woman is dressed, the less likely he is to remain in control. That doesn't make it the woman's fault... it's a simple statement of fact.


    The problem is too much "I" on each side of the offence; the rapist is too focused on "I" in beleiving the world is there to cater to his/her power trips, whilst the victim is too focused on "I" in beleiving they can wear whatever they want without it having repercussions.


    Not an allotment of "Blame" or of comparison of the impact of the acts, just a look at the essence of the problem on both sides.

    "The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do."

  • I should be able to wear what i want without there being repurcushions. Infact the only repurcushions i should have to expect are to loose my money from lack of pockets or hurting my knee from tripping on my skirt. I shouldnt be forced to dress like a painter and decorator because some people cant control their animal urges.

    Before the first incident i didnt even dress provocatively, i was too young, but i dressed pretty. Now i still wear jeans all the time. I say its comfortable but thinking about it its probably comfortable because i've worn them for so long.

  • Quote from Boz

    I should be able to wear what i want without there being repurcushions.

    And i should be able to walk across the road without getting knocked down by a speeding driver. But I can't, so I look both ways before crossing. I don't walk across the road without looking based on what I should be able to do.


    Quote

    Infact the only repurcushions i should have to expect are to loose my money from lack of pockets or hurting my knee from tripping on my skirt. I shouldnt be forced to dress like a painter and decorator because some people cant control their animal urges.

    No, you shouldn't. And hopefully one day we'll live in a world where that's the case. We ain't there yet.

  • What i meant in the first quote is that i dont tend to dress to cause trouble anyway. The way that i used to and still want to dress shouldnt attract any more than i expect.

  • Quote from Boz

    What i meant in the first quote is that i dont tend to dress to cause trouble anyway. The way that i used to and still want to dress shouldnt attract any more than i expect.

    Most people don't. I don't believe dress is usually a factor in the vast majority of rapes, TBH.

  • I dont know why we are all disscussin dress anyway. I only brought it up cause i tell myself i dress pretty and it chears me up.

  • Quote from Boz

    I should be able to wear what i want without there being repurcushions. Infact the only repurcushions i should have to expect are to loose my money from lack of pockets or hurting my knee from tripping on my skirt. I shouldnt be forced to dress like a painter and decorator because some people cant control their animal urges.


    And the seal surrounded by sharks probably thinks they should be able to be a seal without having to risk getting eaten by sharks; but that aint the way it works in practice...so we have to deal with the world as it is, not some "I wish...." version.


    Reality is sometimes harsh.


    Quote from Atomik

    Most people don't. I don't believe dress is usually a factor in the vast majority of rapes, TBH.


    Indeed; most rape is by someone who knows the victim.


    There is however a noticable number of cases where women have been preyed upon when out "clubbing it"; eventually people may catch on that "dressing sexy", for many people, means emphasising the signals that indicate sexual availability. Mix that with alcohol and its like lighting matches on a petrol station forecourt....sooner or later BOOM.


    Then you get people sitting around afterwards lamenting that matches and petrol lead to that result....:rolleyes:


    This whole subject seems to cycle periodically...

    "The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do."

  • When i brought up dress i was meaning how i normally would have dressed. I only mentioned to as a little story to make the other people who have been through the same see how they can look on a brighter side, if only a little

  • Quote from Boz

    When i brought up dress i was meaning how i normally would have dressed. I only mentioned to as a little story to make the other people who have been through the same see how they can look on a brighter side, if only a little

    Boz, dress came up as part of the discussion. Therefore it was discussed. No big deal. What's the problem?

  • I think there is too much focus on sex now. It's everywhere!
    I saw 2 girls yesterday can't have been more than 9 in high heels. Even the marks and spencers advert is sexy "this isn't just food, this is marks and spencer's food!"


    And there's pretty much an Ann Summers in every town, which I'm not bothered by, but it does make sex seem tacky and cheap IMHO.

    You also can't really go anywhere without seeing some girls thong poking through the top of her trousers of skirt.


    I;d like to see more of a focus on "love making" rather than "sex".


    As a teenager I would have benefitted from someone telling me what sex should be about, and how it should be between 2 consenting partners who love each other and want to pleasure each other.
    I got my info from crap magazines like More and J17 which had "position of the week" in and shit like that.

  • Quote from Atomik

    Boz, dress came up as part of the discussion. Therefore it was discussed. No big deal. What's the problem?



    well cause it sounds like dress is being discussed as girls who dress in slips of fabric which is just another way of saying she was asking for it.

    I'm sorry, you know this subject is personal for me