Posts by Perthite

    I met someone earlier this month who made pants out of nettles. he wrote a book about it and other things he's made called Sew Your Own by John-Paul flintoff

    Well i dunno if it's this cold elsewhere in the uk but the wind and rain has made it freezing here in Edinburgh. Cold weather means it's coup making time for me. My girlfriend made a lovely thai broth the other day, and I think i"m going to make a classic carrot and coriander this afternoon.


    Anyone care to share some favourite soups?

    yeah edgar bathes in the evening before bedtime, he's definitey aware that it's part of the bedtime routine and normally enjoys it. We'll see how he is next weekend.

    tonight was a semi success. got him to calm down enough to relax his muscles and let me bathe him. I did this by constantly singing you are my sunshine to him. He didn't enjoy it like he has in the past but he was also knackered so I can understand him not being on top form.

    Edgar seems to have developed a very sudden hydrophobia and now freaks out at bath time (entire body tensed and screaming)


    Any other parents run into this problem or have any advise on getting him happy with bathtime again?


    I managed to get his feet into a bidet (yes my parents are posh) with a little unease but he enjoyed the splashing, but has struggled since at his mothers. I'm planning to bathe with him this evening so that he's a little more ok in the bath.

    dude that is some serious fallout 2 dedication right there. Top game (way better the FO3)


    I'm a total blizzard fanboy (although never played WoW seriously and didn't want to subscribe)


    Fairly die hard final Fantasy player although 12 and 13 were woeful.


    was briefly a big time halo player, as well as Pro Evolution. no longer however.


    lost years of my life to Civ, although not as many as diablo I suspect.


    Loved most of the games from Ambrosia Software and spiderweb software (woo indie games!)

    A friendly of mine had a similar problem and her GP recommended reading a book called She comes first. Was an interesting read I tell you!

    The thing I've found about depressed people is their depression seems really akin to grief. Death is totally non-negotiable and I think people, both those greiving and supporting, accept that. With depression supporters feel they ought to be able to help, but the feelings are so severe and non-negotiable that it is entirely a case of not making things worse. For everyone else around though it is a case of moving on (like you would when you grieve) but being there and compassionate when the communication lines are open.


    With my dad's depression it drove me so up the wall how little he seemed to be willing to do about it but people's feelings are their own responsiblity. If someone feelings rubbish and wants to feel better then you can help. if someone is apathetic about their own feelings and has disengaged from life then it's *really* up to them to find the way back.


    Of course it's mega tough to move on with your life when you're so emotionally involved with someone who's depressed. Even if you manage it then you're going to come across as being cold and uncaring. The best you can do is be totally open to discussion when they want to talk, and listen compassionately without interrupting or judging.


    If you are depressed something has gone wrong with your coping strategies. I'm sure though that you could think you're pretty good at dealing with stuff and then something huge happens and it blows you out of the water.

    indeed I was thinking about dropping them a note just to let them know that I'm a parent too and that if they're really struggling with it that they shouldnt be struggling alone. Just to clarify the baby was screaming well before the banging started.


    What confuses me is how abruptly the baby got quiet last night. it's making me think that the parents really were ignoring him until they went to deal with it. He literally went from proper distraut, wake me up at 4am even though i'm upstairs, screaming enough to make me really aware of how distressed this toddler is, to completely silent. In an instant. I heard him at about 9 this morning sounding like a perfectly happy toddler.


    I mean if they are trying to console him as soon as they hear him crying my heart bleeds for them as this toddler really loses the plot. on a similar scale to edgar but about ten times louder. I just can't shake the feeling they're trying to do something like controlled crying but it blatantly isn't working for them

    first time in my own flat for months, woken up by half an hour of screaming. I can also hear someone else in the stair banging on their wall/ceiling. Baby has stopped screaming abruptly.



    the trick is being able to be both selfish and selfless. A balance of the two is healthy.


    If i could wave a magic wand and make edgar healthy then i would in a heart beat. you're not ashamed to feel the way you to. Heck there's times i wish edgar didn't exist at all, that i'd never met his mother, all that jazz. Sometimes he laughs all day and i don't think this parenting lark is so bad.

    It was not originally my intention to reply to this thread, and the comments therein, yet as always with ukh there may be another who's thoughts echo my own. They deserve the support offered in this thread as much as I do. They also deserve my response. I'll try to respond to everyone, although some of it may be general.



    First I want to speak of the comments I found useful.


    Noctula. your honesty was the most moving thing in this thread. We've already spoken in private about this but i want to thank you again for showing me that i'm not alone in feeling like this, and you are proof that there can be light at the end of my tunnel.



    Alices Wonderland. "In years to come, you can live with yourself" This really struck a chord with me. a piece of the conflict in my mind was that i wanted to run away from being edgar's dad, or to have him taken away from me so my unhappiness would stop. This reasoning plagued me with thoughts of failure. What if being a dad is this hard anyway? Even if your child is healthy and you are raising him as part of a normal family. What if i want to have a family in the future and can't bring myself to being their father either? Could I do that to my girlfriend? Could I live with the failure of abandoning edgar because of my own self doubts and behaviors?


    Marie I wasn't ready to be a father. Catching up is hard, if i ever do. What I was truly unprepared for is how isolated I have become. I'm trying to keep ties open with those involved, trying to keep my friends close, but i'm in a world alien to most of them. Alien even to some of the parents here. "he dosent have to be your best friend right now" indeed.


    Smilingmum. Thank you for the acknowledgement of having had similar issues, and the recommendation of some books to read.


    Reacher thank you for expressing how you felt, it echoes my experience.


    Marshlander. thank you for your open support. "I'd never be able to claim to be an expert, but babies cry for all sorts of reasons or for none. Could you become familiar with what your son is telling you? If you can't work out what's wrong could you hug him anyway?" One of the most frustrating things about edgar is when he really loses the plot there's next to nothing I can do about it. He can be prone to intense sensitivity to sound (like many other babies i'm sure) the solution to this is to get him home ASAP. You're shit out of luck if you've just got on a 40 min train ride to visit granny and grandad. whenever he does have this tantrum cuddling him does nothing, he tries to squirm out of my embrace and screams all the louder. I'm sure you can understand how that feedback from him makes me feel. the only solution is to leave him on his own somewhere quiet until he calms down.


    Sarah thanks for the link/phone number for crisis. If i find myself having a melt down i'll get in touch with them.




    In response to my selfishness: I am selfish. I choose to place my needs above all others because my needs have been betrayed by my parents and my friends on more than one occasion. they chose to punish me unquestioningly instead of supporting me through my mistakes. Maybe they had their own shit to deal with? Who knows. More to the point what use am I as a father to Edgar if I can't take care of myself? Do you think I'd be seeking help with this if I truly didn't care about anyone else other than myself? If any of you feel I don't deserve to air my feelings, my complaints about where I am in my life and situation, I can only assume there's something you're upset about and wish you could speak out about but don't have sufficient self worth to air such thoughts. Speak to someone. Speak to lots of people. Sharing your fears and anxieties can only help you and other understand them better, and maybe overcome them.



    A little about Edgar. Edgar has a visual impairement that has massively slowed his development. He also has cerebral palsy. at 15 months he has yet to learn how to sit up, he can just about roll over on the floor. it took him 6 months to how to smile and laugh. His visual hinderance means he does not 'connect' the way fully sighted babies do. This makes it both incredibly hard for me to feel like I have any impact on him, but at times I'm not even sure he's aware of my presense. you can imagine how this is affecting how i bond with him. No one has any real idea of the long term impacts of edgar's disability. I've no idea if he'll be able to speak properly, whether he'll ever walk. The idea of him never becoming more independant than he is terrifies me. When his mother told me she was pregnant she'd already been pregnant for 5 months, but can failed to get a positive pregnancy test. Abortion was always out of the question, adoption was never spoken about. I offered to help raise him literally because it felt like the right thing to do. I often resent that choice i made on impulse without considering the true depth of my commitment (if i ever could.) Could I have lived with refusing to have anything to do with him and his mother? I'll never know. Meanwhile I get to watch while other people's babies thrive, that he love and adore their children despite the frustrations that every parent deals with. If you're one of those people then be grateful you don't have to comprehend my bitter jeaousy.




    To those of you compassionate and kind enough to offer me support and understanding. I thank you. To those who were quick to judge, who couldn't understand or feared what I was saying. I hope you can better understand the needs of someone asking for help, so that you can help others in the future.

    Edgar is 15 months old now. I still resent the time i have to spend with him. I want rid of him as fast as i can. Whenever I'm with him he seems happiest when I leave him alone. When he's screaming at me I just want to be mean to him and upset him more. I resent the number of things I'm saying no to because of him. I think the only reason i've not really lost the plot with him is because of my incredibly supportive parents. His mother adores him and worries for him and is always keen to get him back from me.


    Edgar deserves a better father than me, one who loves him and wants to be with him.